The problem of perfectionism
A Wildmind visitor called Kal asked some excellent questions about the potential dangers of perfectionism. I felt that his questions were too important to treat merely as one of the comments at the foot of a page and that a response deserved a page of its own.
This was a very good read. I appreciate you sharing such a personal story. But I think there may be some slight contradictions that deserve some attention. I believe that there are a good number of people out there who want to improve their lives. While improvement is good, it becomes bad when taken to an extreme. For example, I enjoy reading self-help books because my mind often quites down after reading inspirational words of wisdom. But at the same time, a self-help addiction can cause people to focus only on their flaws and how to “fix” them, rather than accept who they are.
These are indeed dangers in any kind of spiritual practice — that we become focused on our shortcomings, that we judge ourselves harshly, that we are unable to accept and forgive our faults, and that we set ourselves impossible goals. I think each of these four is a somewhat separate problem, although of course they can combine to create a “perfect storm” of self-loathing.
I’m reminded of a study I read some years ago — alas, I’ve been unable to find a reference — which looked at people’s self-awareness and their level of comfort with themselves. The results of the study were rather disturbing since they suggested that for most people levels of self-awareness and self-liking tend to be inversely proportional.
The study showed that people were broadly divided into two groups. One group was very self-aware. They knew what their strengths and weaknesses were. They knew whether they were good or bad at their jobs. They knew what other people thought of them and whether those people liked them or not. And this group tended not to like themselves. They focused on their faults and were aware when other people disliked them.
The other group tended to think they were good at lots of things that they weren’t necessarily good at. They’d think they were super-competent at work even if they were mediocre or even very poor performers. They thought other people liked and admired them even if others actually thought they were pains in the butt. In other words they had very low self-awareness and were highly deluded. But they liked themselves! Lots! They had irrepressible confidence in themselves. They had high levels of self-esteem that were out of proportion to their competence.
So it seemed that it was possible for people to have self-awareness but not self-metta (lovingkindness towards themselves), or for them to have self-metta but little self-awareness. That’s the scary bit. The study does back up what Kal says about people getting fixated on their flaws. But of course this was with non-meditators.
It struck me at the time I read that report that this was one of the reasons why it is so important for us to practice the mindfulness of breathing and development of lovingkindness meditation practices together. The mindfulness of breathing meditation helps us to develop greater self-awareness, so that we are aware of our shortcomings (and virtues). The development of lovingkindness meditation helps us to like ourselves so that we can accept our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and value what’s most worthy in us. So in Buddhist practice (as I had already learned when I saw this study) it’s perfectly possibly for us — through meditation — to develop self-awareness and self-metta at the same time.
Comments
Comment from Patricia
Time: November 18, 2007, 12:52 pm
I am so grateful to have read the above; you have touched so precisely on a struggle I’m going through. I’ve been a nurse for many years and my job, and that of my colleagues, is very stressful. Lately I find myself tending to give a sharp or even hostile remark in the middle of a chaotic situation. I’m tortured by shame almost the moment these words are out of my mouth — to the extent that apologizing to those around me gives me no peace. I’ve come to loathe myself for this behavior and I agonize about each “episode” for days afterword. The sad irony is that this self-hatred, by fostering anxiety and negativity within myself, ultimately increases the likelihood that I’ll “offend” again!
It is not remotely helpful or beneficial to anyone that I continue punishing myself so severely for a sharp word (in which I’m lacking in lovingkindness toward myself), but at the same time I have no wish to continue this behavior unchecked (since each instance shows a lack of lovingkindness toward others). But throughout the working day my poor fevered mind leaps and sparks ’til I can almost feel the electrons crashing and burning within my neurons, which makes it hard to behave with lovingkindness toward anyone.
The mindfulness of breathing together with lovingkindness help uncover the real me. My angry words would be much rarer if I could live “in the moment” during my working day. And the more mindful I am, the easier it is to work toward lovingkindness for myself and others. The more loving I am, the more mindful I will be, etcetera, etcetera.
I agree wholeheartedly with Kal that we must maintain what makes us unique, quirks and all. My impulsivity in itself is not something I would want to change — I think my tendency to blurt ideas as soon as they occur generally leads to a lot of laughter. But when that tendency becomes skewed by stress and anger, and my words become hurtful — well, that I want to change. When I’m not showing metta and acceptance toward myself, I say, “I’m a horrible person and I don’t know how anyone can stand me.” It’s when I focus on loving and accepting myself that I can say, “I have said hurtful things but I’m not a hurtful person.” And that’s the very reason I want to change such behavior — because in saying these harsh words to others, I am not being the real me at all.
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