The unexamined life…

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The unexamined life is not worth living (Socrates)

Every aspect of ourselves other than the Wildmind is relatively shallow, trivial, and unsatisfactory. When we are at our most inspired, and creative - those are the times when the surface has stilled and the Wildmind is becoming manifest.

It can be a source of tremendous self-confidence to know that there is a part of you that is untouched by anything you have ever done, no matter how deluded and harmful that may have been. When I was younger, and had been trying to practice meditation and Buddhism for a little over a year, I went on a four week intensive meditation retreat, on which we spent about 8 hours a day meditating. I say I had been trying to practice meditation and Buddhism, but it would be more true to say that to a large extent I had been trying to convince others (and perhaps even myself) that I was practicing Buddhism.

At that time I felt very unsure of myself, very insecure, and I tried to compensate for this by adopting a persona, which literally means “mask,” of course. This persona consisted of trying to appear very knowledgeable about Buddhism, and trying to impress people with my intelligence.

I suppose what I wanted was for people to be impressed and therefore to like me. Of course what actually happened was that I was a royal pain in the butt, throwing my arrogant opinions around and being critical of everyone (especially those who were far wiser than I), and finding fault in everything.

Things happen when you meditate for eight hours a day, day after day. You are forced to face up to who you really are. You try to run and hide - fall asleep, get distracted in fantasy - but ultimately there is no avoiding that person with whom, above all others, you feel uncomfortable - your own self. And I did not like my self - with a vengeance. Eventually something had to give.

I had one powerful experience where I was literally stewing in my own negativity, running over the details of a conflict that I had stirred up with another person, try to justify myself, trying to look at it from every angle but straight on, convinced that there was a way that I could be the one who was in the right. I must have invested a huge amount of energy in keeping the truth at bay - the simple and unavoidable truth that I had been offensively arrogant and insensitive to another person.

Eventually, I ran out of energy with which to fight the truth, and ran out of places to hide, and the truth came crashing through my defensive systems and swamped me. I felt awful. I felt like a piece of shit - completely worthless. I felt utterly lonely and desolate. I felt an unbearable weight of suffering descend upon me. To be honest, I had never felt so low.

Tears streamed down my face as I sat in a row of silently meditating figures in a long, low candle lit shrine room. Some of the others had blissful smiles playing about their mouths. Their meditation practices were going well, and they were in their own private heavens. In my own small corner of the shrine room, I was in a very different realm. I had constructed for myself a very potent and virulent hell.

Comments

Comment from Kal
Time: September 6, 2007, 9:58 am

This was a very good read. I appreciate you sharing such a personal story. But I think there may be some slight contradictions that deserve some attention. I believe that there are a good number of people out there who want to improve their lives. While improvement is good, it becomes bad when taken to an extreme. For example, I enjoy reading self-help books because my mind often quites down after reading inspirational words of wisdom. But at the same time, a self-help addiction can cause people to focus only on their flaws and how to “fix” them, rather than accept who they are.

In your story you compared the true self to a soiled jewel whose inner radiance must only be unearthed / cleaned to be seen. However, this implies a very dangerous thing - the eventual awareness of perfection, not in the face of flaws, but in the elimination of all flaws that is only possible due to the resulting clarity of mind produced by meditation. I hope the last statement I made is just a misinterpretation on my part because the pursuit of perfection is the very thing that can cause people to lead miserable lives.

How does one avoid judgment and criticality and at the same time strive to correct flaws and achieve perfection? While its true that some poor mental habits can be corrected by becoming aware of the Wildmind, what about physical “flaws” or genetic dispositions (personality traits, etc.) that serve to make us all unique? It seems to me that the end goal is really letting go of perfection in favor of truth. And more than understanding the truth and trying to change it, that truth must be realized and accepted.

That’s not to say that one doesn’t improve, but the improvement is more of an indirect effect caused by the removal of harmful mental habits - one of which, I believe, is the pursuit of perfection.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: September 10, 2007, 12:53 pm

Hi Kal,

You bring up some excellent points that I think I’ll turn into a new webpage rather than responding just as a comment. I’ll start work now and hopefully have something up in the next day or so.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

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