Comments on: Waking up in the midst of loss

By: Sunada

Sunada — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:26:42 +0000

Dear Ana,
Oh my! My deepest condolences for your huge loss. Yes, of course, it’s difficult to imagine opening up to a world that seems to have treated you so badly. And it wouldn’t make sense to do so. I’m going to recommend that you contact a friend and colleague of mine, Ashley Bush, who is a Buddhist therapist that specializes in grief and loss. She has also written a book on that subject. You can learn more about her at her website here: http://www.ashleydavisbush.com/. I do recommend too, that you seek a grief counselor, if you haven’t done so. It seems you’re not in the US, so maybe working with Ashley isn’t an option. In any case, nobody should have to face such a loss alone. And just reading a book, it seems to me, would be woefully insufficient support for you at a time like this.

My heartfelt best wishes go out to you,
Sunada

By: Ana

Ana — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 22:48:51 +0000

Sunada,
Ive come across this website while looking for a buddhist way to deal with my grief and loss.
I havent practiced any religion and am not a buddhist but have always leant towards buddhist beliefs as a choice.
The small amount of reading I have done in the past on the practices have all made sense to me although im living
in a typically western life.
4 weeks ago my beautiful 23yr old daughter committed suicide, after ten years of a very tormented life with
a personality disorder. Im now left worrying so much for my other daughter (now nearly 18) who considered her
sister her best friend.
The idea of putting oneself open to what life and world throws at you and having faith in it all working out is
a very difficult one right now. The feeling that things can in fact get worse, as unimaginable as that is, feels real to me.
My 18 yr old is in her last year of school and Im trying to help her finish these last few months and every day is a
struggle.
Is there a book you could recommend that will help me focus, get some peace and faith in our futures, see this from a
different angle and how to deal with my daughter who is left in the aftermath of this?
She refuses to see a counsellor and obviously Im so worried for her, its eating me up.
Any help would be so very much appreciated.
I feel like im just treading water to keep my head above and thats all.
Thanks in advance,
Ana

By: Bodhipaksa

Bodhipaksa — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 13:46:00 +0000

Hi Sangos.

Yes, it can be frightening to have the rug pulled out from under our feet (although I know someone who found watching her house burn down to be one of the most liberating experiences of her life) or to contemplate embracing insecurity. The thing is though that life just keeps on pulling that rug no matter how much we try to cling to certainty and safety, and the more we’ve been clinging in this way the more pain we experience when thins unexpectedly change. So one of life’s great paradoxes is that we feel most secure when we accept that life is insecure!

I don’t think we need actively seek slippery rugs, however! As Sunada points out there are opportunities to notice fear and clinging in just about every moment of our lives — and to practice acceptance and mindfulness. If we keep doing that then we’re better prepared when the big, unexpected changes come our way.

(By the way, I’ve said this already, but great article, Sunada!)

Take care,
Bodhipaksa

By: Sunada

Sunada — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:38:03 +0000

Sangos,
I’d like to add a few more thoughts to what Bodhipaksa said. When my rug got pulled out from under me, I was not yet a Buddhist and had no experience with meditation. It was not my being “firmly on the path” that enabled me to meet my challenges. The cause and effect was actually the other way around: it was the process of meeting the challenges that taught me what is means to be on the path.

As Bodhipaksa points out, we can never choose if or when rugs get pulled out from under us. It happens to all of us all the time, in varying degrees. Life is by its very nature uncertain and insecure. We all face fear and doubt, and will never feel fully “prepared” to deal with them. But regardless of our experience with meditation, we can choose whether to allow our fears to paralyze us and stop us from moving forward. Do we give up and admit defeat, or do we keep up our fighting spirit and will to live? That’s really what the choice comes down to.

(and thanks for the compliment, Bodhipaksa!)

My best wishes to you,
Sunada
http://www.mindfulpurpose.com

By: sangos

sangos — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 09:59:34 +0000

Good stuff! Frightening for the uninitiated though..so recommend only for people firm on the path.

By: Sunada

Sunada — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:09:07 +0000

Rosetta, It’s wonderful to hear from you again! Thank you so much for your kind words. I didn’t know about your hospitalization, but what a gift it is to be able to see it in such a positive light.

And to Bonnie and Shulamit, thank you too. I’m feel honored to know that my story has touched you so much.

with gratitude,
Sunada
http://www.mindfulpurpose.com

By: Shulamit

Shulamit — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:39:04 +0000

Sunada,

Thank you for this story. I shared it with two friends who were also moved and serendipitously “needed” this message today. I needed it for the inspiration, for the learning about “the trapeze.”

It reminded me to have faith. I’d like to share my favorite quotation on faith, from Allan Watts:

Faith lets go

Belief is the insistence that the truth is what one would wish it to be. Faith is an unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be. Faith has no preconceptions; it is a plunge into the unknown. Belief clings, but faith lets go. Faith is the essential virtue of science, and likewise of any religion that is not self-deception.

Faith is a state of openness or trust. To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.

The attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging to belief, of holding on. In other words, a person who is fanatic in matters of religion, and clings to certain ideas about the nature of God and the universe, becomes a person who has no faith at all. Instead they are holding tight. The attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.

Allan Watts

Thank you Sunada :-)

Shulamit

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:34:54 +0000

This is one of the most inspiring things I have read in a long time. No one escapes “having the rug pulled out from under them” in life. Whether that experience is a setback or an opportunity for growth is entirely up to us. (And maybe, in the end, it’s a little of both.) Thank you for sharing your story!

By: Rosetta

Rosetta — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:50:59 +0000

Thank you Sunada.you have helped me so much in the past with your wise teaching. This article was a bonus.In my life there have been many set backs but with hindsight I see them now as doors opening. The most recent one was a 5 month stay in a psychiatric hospital. My psychologist was a meditator with great knowledge of Buddhism. Through him I was directed to Buddhism. Without this stay in hospital my Buddhist life would never have come about and by now I would have probably been back in hospital. Thank you for your article