Comment from stephani faulkner
Time: June 14, 2007, 1:21 pm

i have a question: what if when you’ve set aside your needs, even things you want to do, to help better another’s life. and still unhappiness looms? my situation is that i have done that then the individual i try to help will then soon after yell at me and pile all her negative and unhappy feelings on me. no matter what i do, even when i do nothing but bve there i am still treated that way……i guess my question is this: why even if i try to me others needs am i unhappy. i am not trying to seek my own personal gain at their expense.

Comment from Minx
Time: June 19, 2007, 1:37 am

Maybe the lesson here is that your practice is never going to enable you to control other people. That negative, dumping person is just going to do their thing - and that is not within your control. What *is* within your control is how you react to their behaviour. You do not *have* to become unhappy in reaction to their behaviour - you can choose to react in a variety of ways to their behaviour (from, say, thumping them to showing huge amounts of compassion - it’s a long scale!).

Their unhappiness is their problem - it does not have to be yours, or result in any disquiet for you. Hopefully your practice will help you find that quiet place between reacting and choosing your response so that you can choose not tohurt yourself when you are around this person’s behaviour.
Peace to you,
Minx

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: June 19, 2007, 6:22 am

Hi Stefani,

I think it’s important to remember that the first stage of the metta practice is about cultivating lovingkindness for yourself. This involves recognizing and valuing our own needs — and only then do we go on to cultivate lovingkindness for others.

We don’t stop with cultivating metta for ourselves but neither to we cut out that step and just start sacrificing ourselves for others. If we do start trying to meet others needs without taking our own into account then we’re going to become very unhappy — we try in effect to “buy” other people’s affection by negating ourselves and taking only their needs into account. And we probably try to buy love in this way because we’re not giving it to ourselves.

Now we can look at ourselves doing this and then use it as an excuse to beat ourselves up even more, but I think it’s wiser to recognize that underlying every action we take is a desire to achieve wellbeing. Deep down we all have a desire for wholeness and wellbeing. Even our misguided actions — like ignoring our own needs — are just failed strategies for finding happiness. But the underlying desire for wholeness is still there, and it just needs to find better strategies.

Comment from Ivana
Time: August 9, 2007, 3:52 pm

Hello Stephani.
Try this-Sit at home, relax, breath on Your nose slowly, and then visualize Avalokiteshvara going down from the top of the head of person You are trying to help, through the head, neck-throat and down to the heart simultaneously reciting mantra Om Ma Ni Pad Me Hum. Leave Avalokiteshvara in the heart of the person. And “leave to Avalokiteshvara to finish the job” for You, when the right time comes …When You are near that person, do not talk too much, just breath slowly for You and that person. She\he will calm down…but do not give too much importance to anybody, it is feeding their ego, and the reaction is opposit of wanted. Everything is illusion and dreamlike…Greetings from Serbia.

Comment from sangos
Time: February 28, 2008, 6:03 am

I personally use this imagery to idealize Buddha’s metta practice…Christ dying the most horrifying death on the cross and yet he says ” Father forgive them because they do not….”, what can be a greater edition of ‘extreme’ metta. If I can achieve even a tiniest fraction of that level I guess I will experience the Brahma viharas!!!

Comment from Danny
Time: May 23, 2008, 10:35 pm

I have for years had a problem with compassion and helping others. Not that I don’t do it, I try to do whatever I can to help others. But I feel guilty inside that I am doing these good deeds to make myself feel better. A feeling of selfishness can at times overcome me, because I wonder if I would do these good deeds if there were no personal satisfaction obtained from it. Does that make sense? I help others, and feel good for a moment, then feel selfish for it. I suppose by this logic I will never find happiness. It seems and unending cycle here.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 24, 2008, 8:37 pm

Hi Danny,

That’s a really interesting question.

One of the needs we have is to help other people, so when we help others we’re also helping to meet our own needs. It’s for this reason that Marshall Rosenberg, the teacher of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) says that we never do anything for another person. That doesn’t mean that we can’t be truly compassionate and that everything we do is selfish, it just means that we help ourselves by helping others. That’s not a bad thing — it’s just how things are.

It’s been shown in fact that in experiencing or exercising compassion we become happier. You might want to read Daniel Goleman’s “Destructive Emotions:

In May 2001, in a laboratory at the University of Wisconsin, a Tibetan Buddhist monk donned a cap studded with hundreds of sensors that were connected to a state-of-the-art EEG, a brain-scanning device capable of recording changes in his brain with speed and precision. When the monk began meditating in a way that was designed to generate compassion, the sensors registered a dramatic shift to a state of great joy.

As Goleman put it, “The very act of concern for others’ well-being, it seems, creates a greater state of well-being within oneself.”

It’s natural and intrinsic to compassion that it benefits us. That’s a reality that we simply need to accept. It’s really a great thing. Helping others helps us! Great! There’s nothing selfish about being happy, or about seeking happiness.

I’d suggest that the way to break your vicious cycle is two fold: first, accept the happiness you feel when you help others. It’s natural, and good. And why would we help others if it didn’t feel good? We’ve evolved pleasant feelings to keep us doing things that help our survival as a species. Sex feels good. Eating feels good. Helping others feels good. There’s a reason for these good feelings — communities of people who eat, procreate, and help each other will tend to survive.

Second, feel compassion for yourself when you experience guilt about feeling happy about having helped others. Notice where the unpleasant feelings are in the body and send them metta. Regard them as being a part of yourself that is suffering and that needs warmth and empathy. Help that part of yourself just as you would help others.

Fare well! And be happy!

Comment from Danny
Time: May 25, 2008, 3:31 pm

Thank you for your insight. I know that there is nothing wrong with feeling good about helping others. It is the fact that it seems an involuntary response on my part that bothers me. I began my meditation practices years ago after a suicide in my family. Perhaps a year later, for no good reason that I can pinpoint, I practiced less and less until ultimately I have gone some years without any thought given to it at all. I am only now beginning to practice again, trying to realign you might say. I can’t say enough good things about this site. It seems so many on the internet are here to make money off of people looking for help. This is one of very few sites I have found with open and free information on the subject. Many thanks.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 26, 2008, 5:08 pm

Hi Danny,

These kinds of involuntary responses where we have an unpleasant feeling arising are called vedanas in Buddhism. They arise because of past conditioning, so if you were often criticized as a child for being selfish and encouraged to be self-sacrificing then an unpleasant feeling will tend to arise when you feel good about doing something for others.

Vedana, in Buddhism, is ethically neutral, which means that you’re not doing anything wrong in experiencing them. And there’s nothing you can do, in the short term, to stop them arising. Where ethics comes in is how we respond to these unpleasant vedanas. We can simply note the unpleasant sensation’s existence and wish ourselves well because there’s an element of suffering, and keep going on about our business, or we can give rise to a stream of self-critical and self-doubting thinking, which will inevitably be accompanied by emotions of doubt, ill-will, etc. With mindfulness we have a choice about how to respond.

In time, and with practice. what happens is that the vedanas that arise are different. Sometimes this can happen quite quickly when we consciously adopt another way of seeing things (what’s sometimes called “reframing a situation”) and when that new viewpoint sticks. It can help to adopt a mantra to help drive that new viewpoint in to the mind — for example you could repeat, “It’s good to feel good about helping others,” or “It’s okay to experience discomfort.” Maybe you could try this, or perhaps make up your own mantra.

Thanks for your kind comments about the site. We do want to help as many people as possible.

Comment from kevin
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:24 pm

Stefani and Bodhipaksa,
Jesus taught that the way to attain your own happiness was to help others before yourself. He taught Infinity first, others
second, and yourself last.
Namaste and Blessed Be!
In Love,
Kevin

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 30, 2008, 9:07 am

Hi Kevin,

That’s interesting. Do you have a reference for “help others before yourself”? I’m aware of Jesus having said repeatedly “Love thy neighbor as thyself” but not “before thyself.” The clear implication (o the version I’m familiar with) is that we should love ourselves and extend that love to others.

Stephanie’s problem seemed to be that she was trying to love others while not loving herself (or taking care of her own needs, which amounts to the same thing). Since what gives light must sustain the burning, that’s simply not a path to well being, however noble it may seem at first glance.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from shevon
Time: July 16, 2008, 4:12 am

my problem is this that i cannot come out of my past ,i was working out of city when i came to know that my mother passed

away and i have a guilt and feel bad about it.my realtionshio with dad is healthy and good and he lives with me for some and
then goes back to the place i lived.But life is like very tough i still think and cannot forgove myself?what do i do?

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: July 17, 2008, 7:38 pm

Hi Shevon,

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. To be honest I’d suggest talking to a counselor because you need to explore why it is that you’re experiencing guilt about being away when your mother died. There’s no doubt a lot to unpack there.

In spiritual terms, in Buddhism there’s a belief that how we thing about those who have passed can still affect them. They may in fact still be around, observing our responses and being confused because they don’t understand what’s happening to them. At least this is the traditional view in some schools. Based on that view, it’s considered important to continue cultivating lovingkindness for the person who has died, wishing them well as they go through a difficult period of coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer alive. This helps us too, as well.

This isn’t much, I know, but I hope it helps.

All the best for you and your family,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from shevon
Time: July 18, 2008, 5:12 am

well ur rite coz sometimes i feel that she is close to me whn i sleep i feel she is around me and watching over me and helpingh
me with my life by coming into my dreams.The only main gulit is this that mom loved me a lot and i m the only child of her and
she wanted to say somthin which she wasnt.i fear the same for my dad and dont wanna mom let go coz i wanted to b there
at her death bed??Please advise i see night mares and live in fear thta i might loose dad the same way……..

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: July 19, 2008, 10:00 am

Hi Shevon,

You wrote: “Please advise”.

I already did give some advice (see above), but it sounds generally as if cultivating mindfulness and lovingkindness would help you a great deal. Mindfulness would help you to spot unhelpful thought patterns emerging and give you the freedom to disengage from them. Lovingkindness practice would help develop more positive emotional responses so that you’re less anxious.

I’m afraid there are no magic words of advice I can give you that will take away the pain you’re experiencing. You have to actually do the practice. There’s plenty to learn from on this site or elsewhere. Without a doubt, a face-to-face class would also be helpful.

I wish you well,
Bodhipaksa

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[...] reply to this question is to remind you of the Metta Bhavana meditation practice, and how the first stage is on cultivating loving-kindness for oneself. The implication I draw here [...]