Comment from laughingyogini (carolyn grady)
Time: February 9, 2010, 11:39 am

Lovingkindness meditation is a great way to combat negativity in yourself and others : http://www.wildmind.org/metta

Comment from stephani faulkner
Time: June 14, 2007, 1:21 pm

i have a question: what if when you’ve set aside your needs, even things you want to do, to help better another’s life. and still unhappiness looms? my situation is that i have done that then the individual i try to help will then soon after yell at me and pile all her negative and unhappy feelings on me. no matter what i do, even when i do nothing but bve there i am still treated that way……i guess my question is this: why even if i try to me others needs am i unhappy. i am not trying to seek my own personal gain at their expense.

Comment from Minx
Time: June 19, 2007, 1:37 am

Maybe the lesson here is that your practice is never going to enable you to control other people. That negative, dumping person is just going to do their thing – and that is not within your control. What *is* within your control is how you react to their behaviour. You do not *have* to become unhappy in reaction to their behaviour – you can choose to react in a variety of ways to their behaviour (from, say, thumping them to showing huge amounts of compassion – it’s a long scale!).

Their unhappiness is their problem – it does not have to be yours, or result in any disquiet for you. Hopefully your practice will help you find that quiet place between reacting and choosing your response so that you can choose not tohurt yourself when you are around this person’s behaviour.
Peace to you,
Minx

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: June 19, 2007, 6:22 am

Hi Stefani,

I think it’s important to remember that the first stage of the metta practice is about cultivating lovingkindness for yourself. This involves recognizing and valuing our own needs — and only then do we go on to cultivate lovingkindness for others.

We don’t stop with cultivating metta for ourselves but neither do we cut out that step and just start sacrificing ourselves for others. If we do start trying to meet others needs without taking our own into account then we’re going to become very unhappy — we try in effect to “buy” other people’s affection by negating ourselves and taking only their needs into account. And we probably try to buy love in this way because we’re not giving it to ourselves.

Now we can look at ourselves doing this and then use it as an excuse to beat ourselves up even more, but I think it’s wiser to recognize that underlying every action we take is a desire to achieve wellbeing. Deep down we all have a desire for wholeness and wellbeing. Even our misguided actions — like ignoring our own needs — are just failed strategies for finding happiness. But the underlying desire for wholeness is still there, and it just needs to find better strategies.

Comment from Ivana
Time: August 9, 2007, 3:52 pm

Hello Stephani.
Try this-Sit at home, relax, breath on Your nose slowly, and then visualize Avalokiteshvara going down from the top of the head of person You are trying to help, through the head, neck-throat and down to the heart simultaneously reciting mantra Om Ma Ni Pad Me Hum. Leave Avalokiteshvara in the heart of the person. And “leave to Avalokiteshvara to finish the job” for You, when the right time comes …When You are near that person, do not talk too much, just breath slowly for You and that person. She\he will calm down…but do not give too much importance to anybody, it is feeding their ego, and the reaction is opposit of wanted. Everything is illusion and dreamlike…Greetings from Serbia.

Comment from sangos
Time: February 28, 2008, 6:03 am

I personally use this imagery to idealize Buddha’s metta practice…Christ dying the most horrifying death on the cross and yet he says ” Father forgive them because they do not….”, what can be a greater edition of ‘extreme’ metta. If I can achieve even a tiniest fraction of that level I guess I will experience the Brahma viharas!!!

Comment from Danny
Time: May 23, 2008, 10:35 pm

I have for years had a problem with compassion and helping others. Not that I don’t do it, I try to do whatever I can to help others. But I feel guilty inside that I am doing these good deeds to make myself feel better. A feeling of selfishness can at times overcome me, because I wonder if I would do these good deeds if there were no personal satisfaction obtained from it. Does that make sense? I help others, and feel good for a moment, then feel selfish for it. I suppose by this logic I will never find happiness. It seems and unending cycle here.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 24, 2008, 8:37 pm

Hi Danny,

That’s a really interesting question.

One of the needs we have is to help other people, so when we help others we’re also helping to meet our own needs. It’s for this reason that Marshall Rosenberg, the teacher of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) says that we never do anything for another person. That doesn’t mean that we can’t be truly compassionate and that everything we do is selfish, it just means that we help ourselves by helping others. That’s not a bad thing — it’s just how things are.

It’s been shown in fact that in experiencing or exercising compassion we become happier. You might want to read Daniel Goleman’s “Destructive Emotions:

In May 2001, in a laboratory at the University of Wisconsin, a Tibetan Buddhist monk donned a cap studded with hundreds of sensors that were connected to a state-of-the-art EEG, a brain-scanning device capable of recording changes in his brain with speed and precision. When the monk began meditating in a way that was designed to generate compassion, the sensors registered a dramatic shift to a state of great joy.

As Goleman put it, “The very act of concern for others’ well-being, it seems, creates a greater state of well-being within oneself.”

It’s natural and intrinsic to compassion that it benefits us. That’s a reality that we simply need to accept. It’s really a great thing. Helping others helps us! Great! There’s nothing selfish about being happy, or about seeking happiness.

I’d suggest that the way to break your vicious cycle is two fold: first, accept the happiness you feel when you help others. It’s natural, and good. And why would we help others if it didn’t feel good? We’ve evolved pleasant feelings to keep us doing things that help our survival as a species. Sex feels good. Eating feels good. Helping others feels good. There’s a reason for these good feelings — communities of people who eat, procreate, and help each other will tend to survive.

Second, feel compassion for yourself when you experience guilt about feeling happy about having helped others. Notice where the unpleasant feelings are in the body and send them metta. Regard them as being a part of yourself that is suffering and that needs warmth and empathy. Help that part of yourself just as you would help others.

Fare well! And be happy!

Comment from Danny
Time: May 25, 2008, 3:31 pm

Thank you for your insight. I know that there is nothing wrong with feeling good about helping others. It is the fact that it seems an involuntary response on my part that bothers me. I began my meditation practices years ago after a suicide in my family. Perhaps a year later, for no good reason that I can pinpoint, I practiced less and less until ultimately I have gone some years without any thought given to it at all. I am only now beginning to practice again, trying to realign you might say. I can’t say enough good things about this site. It seems so many on the internet are here to make money off of people looking for help. This is one of very few sites I have found with open and free information on the subject. Many thanks.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 26, 2008, 5:08 pm

Hi Danny,

These kinds of involuntary responses where we have an unpleasant feeling arising are called vedanas in Buddhism. They arise because of past conditioning, so if you were often criticized as a child for being selfish and encouraged to be self-sacrificing then an unpleasant feeling will tend to arise when you feel good about doing something for others.

Vedana, in Buddhism, is ethically neutral, which means that you’re not doing anything wrong in experiencing them. And there’s nothing you can do, in the short term, to stop them arising. Where ethics comes in is how we respond to these unpleasant vedanas. We can simply note the unpleasant sensation’s existence and wish ourselves well because there’s an element of suffering, and keep going on about our business, or we can give rise to a stream of self-critical and self-doubting thinking, which will inevitably be accompanied by emotions of doubt, ill-will, etc. With mindfulness we have a choice about how to respond.

In time, and with practice. what happens is that the vedanas that arise are different. Sometimes this can happen quite quickly when we consciously adopt another way of seeing things (what’s sometimes called “reframing a situation”) and when that new viewpoint sticks. It can help to adopt a mantra to help drive that new viewpoint in to the mind — for example you could repeat, “It’s good to feel good about helping others,” or “It’s okay to experience discomfort.” Maybe you could try this, or perhaps make up your own mantra.

Thanks for your kind comments about the site. We do want to help as many people as possible.

Comment from kevin
Time: May 29, 2008, 9:24 pm

Stefani and Bodhipaksa,
Jesus taught that the way to attain your own happiness was to help others before yourself. He taught Infinity first, others
second, and yourself last.
Namaste and Blessed Be!
In Love,
Kevin

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: May 30, 2008, 9:07 am

Hi Kevin,

That’s interesting. Do you have a reference for “help others before yourself”? I’m aware of Jesus having said repeatedly “Love thy neighbor as thyself” but not “before thyself.” The clear implication (o the version I’m familiar with) is that we should love ourselves and extend that love to others.

Stephanie’s problem seemed to be that she was trying to love others while not loving herself (or taking care of her own needs, which amounts to the same thing). Since what gives light must sustain the burning, that’s simply not a path to well being, however noble it may seem at first glance.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from shevon
Time: July 16, 2008, 4:12 am

my problem is this that i cannot come out of my past ,i was working out of city when i came to know that my mother passed

away and i have a guilt and feel bad about it.my realtionshio with dad is healthy and good and he lives with me for some and
then goes back to the place i lived.But life is like very tough i still think and cannot forgove myself?what do i do?

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: July 17, 2008, 7:38 pm

Hi Shevon,

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. To be honest I’d suggest talking to a counselor because you need to explore why it is that you’re experiencing guilt about being away when your mother died. There’s no doubt a lot to unpack there.

In spiritual terms, in Buddhism there’s a belief that how we thing about those who have passed can still affect them. They may in fact still be around, observing our responses and being confused because they don’t understand what’s happening to them. At least this is the traditional view in some schools. Based on that view, it’s considered important to continue cultivating lovingkindness for the person who has died, wishing them well as they go through a difficult period of coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer alive. This helps us too, as well.

This isn’t much, I know, but I hope it helps.

All the best for you and your family,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from shevon
Time: July 18, 2008, 5:12 am

well ur rite coz sometimes i feel that she is close to me whn i sleep i feel she is around me and watching over me and helpingh
me with my life by coming into my dreams.The only main gulit is this that mom loved me a lot and i m the only child of her and
she wanted to say somthin which she wasnt.i fear the same for my dad and dont wanna mom let go coz i wanted to b there
at her death bed??Please advise i see night mares and live in fear thta i might loose dad the same way……..

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: July 19, 2008, 10:00 am

Hi Shevon,

You wrote: “Please advise”.

I already did give some advice (see above), but it sounds generally as if cultivating mindfulness and lovingkindness would help you a great deal. Mindfulness would help you to spot unhelpful thought patterns emerging and give you the freedom to disengage from them. Lovingkindness practice would help develop more positive emotional responses so that you’re less anxious.

I’m afraid there are no magic words of advice I can give you that will take away the pain you’re experiencing. You have to actually do the practice. There’s plenty to learn from on this site or elsewhere. Without a doubt, a face-to-face class would also be helpful.

I wish you well,
Bodhipaksa

Pingback from The truth of not suffering: The Buddha’s teachings on happiness | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation
Time: July 24, 2008, 7:45 pm

[...] reply to this question is to remind you of the Metta Bhavana meditation practice, and how the first stage is on cultivating loving-kindness for oneself. The implication I draw here [...]

Comment from Thomas
Time: January 15, 2009, 12:26 pm

I also suffer from a chemical embalance, which in return causes some minor to major depression. The only thing that seperates my so called “depression” from others is the fact that it was induced by heavily abusing alcohol and drugs at a very young age, in return my mind did not develop in some areas where it should have and even was damaged in some recepotors. For me constant contact with my higher power and an attitude of selflessness and compassion considerably uplifts my mood. Added with the daily routine of prayer and meditation the so called “depression”, “chemical embalance” is typically put into recession and I live my life one day at a time sober, free from the burden of my negativity and the chemically induced pleasure that I formely sought to relive all my internal warfare. Through pain comes growth, and at 21 years of age I am blessed to be living and I give all the glory to my higher power and the sernity aquired through any form of meditative study and divine practice.

Comment from Sue
Time: January 17, 2009, 9:12 am

Thomas,
Your personal story is inspiring. I have taken many years to get to this point of spritual growth – and yet am still only beginning. I consider my childhood problems of emotional abuse a gift – without them I would not have unravelled and started again. I can help myself and others to a far greater extent than I ever thought possible both at home and at work

with lovingkindness
Sue

Comment from barbara Wright
Time: February 24, 2009, 12:10 pm

blessing on your loving web page

Comment from Danny
Time: March 10, 2009, 9:48 am

For some reason I decided to come back and read this thread and your response to my writing again. I was struck this time by the realization that, in fact, I do harbor some suffering from my elders calling me conceited or self-absorbed as a very young child. It would seem to make perfect sense in explaining my negative feelings toward personal happiness. I’m not sure why it didn’t click the first time I read your response, but the pieces seem to fit perfectly. My uncle getting upset and calling me conceited is actually among my very first/earliest memories. I actually can’t say for sure, but this may be my first memory. Well, I thank you for your time and thoughtful response.

Comment from Tuan
Time: July 16, 2009, 2:35 pm

This is a very interesting thread. Bodhipaksa you’re so wise, many blessing to you.

Comment from Andre
Time: August 31, 2009, 12:01 am

I’m finding very little conflict with the middle road and Christian understanding. Morality, concentration and wisdom were taught by many spiritual people… loving kindness. Jesus I was told was real big on forgiveness. A Catholic priest told me 70×7 has its limits too.

You may get to a point where the one you are helping has no redeeming quality and there are others deserving of your attention. I’m getting to a point where the well is running dry. I was reading something Rinpoche wrote about one individual becoming the object of your anger or love and we need to be there for all sentient beings.

I was playing favorites in the first place. I could have used this information along time ago.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: September 1, 2009, 10:10 am

Hi Andre,

Ah, that’s an interesting observation. I think often when we pour a lot of our love into one unrewarding relationship, there’s a lot more going on than just love. There’s probably an identification being made with the success of the relationship — if it goes well we think we’re doing well and if it goes badly we think that we are failing. We see the relationship as ourselves and vice versa.

There’s often attachment to the idea of “saving” someone as well, so that we can earn their gratitude at the end, once we’ve turned the relationship around, and then feel really good about ourselves.

It’s worth working at relationships, of course, but sometimes they’re just not salvageable and they become a waste of our time and energy. When we’re drained and unhappy as the result of trying to change a person who just doesn’t want to change (and why not — after all, not changing is getting them lots of attention) we’re not doing anyone any favors.

Thanks for a stimulating comment.

Comment from Amitasuri
Time: November 3, 2009, 7:29 pm

Wow – 1st time I’ve been on here. I’m really enjoying and appreciating people’s willingness to share themselves so courageously and Bodhipaksa’s compassionate and insightful responses.
Great site, thanks!

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: November 3, 2009, 7:36 pm

That was very kind of you, Amitasuri! Do come back. And we have a whole blog section that’s a bit separate, with one-off articles rather than structured guides to meditation. Sunada and others publish some very good material there.

Comment from Zenball
Time: November 9, 2009, 8:54 pm

I am confused about how lovingkindness and emptiness goes to gether.
Why we have to attach (by lovingkindness) to illusions (emptiness)?

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: November 10, 2009, 1:47 pm

Hi Zenball,

I guess this is your koan. Lovingkindness doesn’t involve attachment. It arises in the absence of attachment. And it’s not possible to completely realize compassion for suffering beings until you realize that they are empty of self-existence.

Comment from Shashi
Time: November 17, 2009, 1:03 pm

Hello
I would like to develop compassion, but I’m afraid I might be kind of insincere in doing so. What if I’m trying to be kind only to make myself feel like a compassionate person, i.e. feeding my ego – taking the focus off my own suffering and others’ and just putting on a show? How do you have the right motivation? Is my question clear?

Shashi

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: November 17, 2009, 1:50 pm

Hi Shashi,

That’s a very good question. I’d answer that our motives at the start are always going to be mixed, and that we simply shouldn’t keep second-guessing ourselves, worrying that we may be practicing for the wrong reasons. When the rubber hits the road you’ll find out soon enough in what ways your motives are unhelpful. For example when you want to be seen as compassionate so that people will like you and be grateful, you’ll see resentment arising in your mind as soon as someone doesn’t give you the praise you think you deserve. You then have something concrete to work with — a feeling of resentment and its underlying craving — which is much more useful than trying to guess in what sort of ways your motives may be impure.

In short, the path is self-correcting. Your own suffering will tell you when you’ve been feeding the ego.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from Mark L.
Time: December 2, 2009, 5:37 pm

I’ve been doing metta mediation for over a year now, and the one thing that I’m worried or confused about is practicing metta on someone I’d like to not harm me anymore.

For instance I have a really tough next door neighbor that makes noises all hours of the night and throughout the day and although I’ve nicely approached them about it a couple of times they still proceed to ignore my request. I’m on the fence on including them in my mediation because it may be a selfish act (for them to quit slamming the door) is it not?

I’m stuck.

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 2, 2009, 10:17 pm

Hi Mark,

I’d say the first person you might want to develop metta for is yourself. It’s obviously a source of pain for you that your neighbors are not only noisy but don’t take your needs into account. So I’d suggest that you acknowledge your pain and send yourself some compassion.

But as for including them in your well-wishing, there may well be an element of selfishness because you’d like them to be quieter, but that’s something you’ll just have to work through. After all, they’re probably not going to be quieter and so you’re going to have to find other motives for wishing them well. Ultimately when you’re wishing them well you’re doing something for yourself anyway — it’s your feelings of anger that you’re counteracting. And that’s also going to help you suffer less, because railing in your mind against your neighbors is going to cause you suffering. If you can learn not to do that then you’ll be happier. You may even get to the point where the noise just doesn’t bother you.

all the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from Fred
Time: December 8, 2009, 8:45 am

Hi from sweden:)

First I would like to thank you for your work with this website, it’s very inspiring!

I am 31 years old and have a history of depressions and anxiety syndromes. I have attended a 8 week mindfulness program and learnt to watch my mind.

I entered Buddhism mainly to keep the motivation for the mindfullness training going but now I feel that things like Metta Bhavana would be good to learn for me. Busshism has made me realize how little I love myself.

Since I started with Buddhism a couple of weeks back, I have had more really happy and joyful days than I have in years. I have tasted the incredible joy of feeling good about myself as whole even with the “faults” included…haven’t been able to feel like that in years. And I want to credit the Love and Kindness confept for this.

On the other hand, during the last couple of weeks, there have been occations where I have felt my old “symptoms” more strongly than usual. These have been moments when I haven’t been able to “counter” my negative thoughts with the Loving Kindness concept. Then I have felt so much despair, more lost than ever.

Buddhism resonates so well with the core of my being and I believe it to be the right path for me. But I also don’t want to make “matters worse”.

So my question is what can I do to make me react less when my mood goes from good to bad?

Have I too little patience or acceptence? Have I become too attached to feeling happy? Is it the perfectioniost/strong performer in me?

I cannot be the first novice in Buddhism to come across these questions. What do you think is the right thing to do?

Best

Fred

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 8, 2009, 1:17 pm

Hi Fred,

First, I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found tools to improve the quality of your life.

I think you’ve intuitively hit upon the source of the difficulties you’ve been experiencing. We do need to cultivate patience and acceptance of the ups and downs of our mental states. It does sound as if you’ve become attached to feeling happy, and so when your happiness diminishes you feel despondent.

One core problem that looms large in depression is identifying our mental states with ourselves. We experience an unpleasant emotion, and we think this is a sign that we are bad, or that something’s wrong with us. But actually, it’s just that there’s an unpleasant emotion pleasant. That’s all. We don’t have to turn a simple experience into a story about our own worth.

Conversely, when a pleasant emotion is present, we have a tendency to think that this is some kind of validation of ourselves. But again, it’s just a pleasant emotional state. It’s impermanent and it’s not an inherent part of us. So we watch it as it inevitably passes, and we accept its passing.

As a short-term goal, I’d suggest that you identify not with the experiences that are passing through your mind, but with the mental space through which they pass. Ultimately that’s an idea you’ll have to let go of as well, but you’ll find it liberating.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from Mark L.
Time: December 10, 2009, 11:38 pm

i appreciate your words. you’ve surely shed some light on a situation for me that i have been dealing with for months now…

thank you for taking the time to reply the way you did.

Comment from Fred
Time: December 11, 2009, 5:40 am

Thank you for your informative reply, I kind of felt I was already onto the answer my self.

You said: “As a short-term goal, I’d suggest that you identify not with the experiences that are passing through your mind, but with the mental space through which they pass. Ultimately that’s an idea you’ll have to let go of as well, but you’ll find it liberating.”

I have done so during my mindfulness breathing meditations and yes it is liberating and feels surprisingly true. Although I have read about this and heard it from many sources before, it’s not until now that I have actually felt it’s thruthfulness in meditation.

Of course, this insight leads to more questions; so if I am the “mental space” or the “watcher” who observes and experiences the thoughts, feelings that passes by… without identifying with them.

Then the worrying thoughts and feelings that pop into my awareness are as little “me” as other external circumstances, which can be appreciated as “bad” like rainy weather or if I catch the flu (things that are easy to see that they are not “me” because they are so external and out of my control).

Isn’t there a risk that one can become totally “detatched” or an “uncaring” person with this perspective? What is your experience?

Thanks again for you work:)

Fred

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 11, 2009, 10:04 am

Hi Fred,

Of course, this insight leads to more questions; so if I am the “mental space” or the “watcher” who observes and experiences the thoughts, feelings that passes by… without identifying with them…

Well, from a traditional point of view (i.e. from the point of view of the earliest Budhist writings) that’s not quite true; ultimately we can’t identify ourselves with any one part of our experience. That’s why I said this was a short-term goal (although I meant short term as in “years”) and why you’d have to let go of that perspective eventually (meaning once that perspective itself becomes constricting). But for a good long time it would be very useful as a practice to identify with the blue sky rather than the clouds.

Then the worrying thoughts and feelings that pop into my awareness are as little “me” as other external circumstances, which can be appreciated as “bad” like rainy weather or if I catch the flu (things that are easy to see that they are not “me” because they are so external and out of my control).

That’s exactly it. These mental states are not you. You’re not defined by them or limited by them. They’ll pass and you’ll still be there.

Isn’t there a risk that one can become totally “detached” or an “uncaring” person with this perspective? What is your experience?

It’s actually the other way around! Getting caught up in our inner dramas leaves little energy left over for being compassionate towards others.

Comment from Fred
Time: December 15, 2009, 4:50 pm

Thank you again for your kind and patient answer.

I was thinking about something I read the other day, that “self-cherishing” is not a good thing according to buddhism. One should cherish only others. It seems to be a very strong belief in the butthist practice.

Doesn’t that stand in conflict with the metta practice, where the firat step is to “cherish” oneself?

Maybe it’s the language barrier playing with me here. Please enlighten me on the difference between self-cherishing and doing the metta towards oneself practice.

Thanks again

Fred

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 15, 2009, 5:45 pm

If you read that in Buddhism we should “cherish only others” then I’m afraid that was a distortion of the original Buddhist teachings. Self-cherishing isn’t a problem in itself — it’s when our circle of concern is limited to ourselves and excludes others that there’s a problem. If you read about “self-cherishing” as a bad thing then it was probably meaning in a restrictive sense.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Comment from Fred
Time: December 16, 2009, 6:06 am

Well, there’s quite a lot of it if you just google self cherishing. Example:
http://aboutdharma.org/dharma-teachings.php/ But there’s loads more…

Things like “don’t look for faults in others, only look for faults in yourself” becomes somewhat bad advice for someone suffering from depression…all we do all day long is blaming ourselves for our imagined shortcomings…

As a new adventurer in the Buddhist teachings I want unity not paradoxes. Please enlighten me:)

Best

Fredrik

Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 17, 2009, 9:30 am

Hi Fred,

Well, you’re talking about a tradition that’s existed for 2,500 years, and that has been spread over a large number of cultures that sometimes haven’t had any contact with each other, and that has adapted to the various cultures it’s encountered. So from that perspective you’re unlikely to find an absolutely consistent message.

Even if you look at the earliest teachings, you’ll find that the Buddha taught different practices to those of different personality types. So for someone obsessed with looking at the faults of others you’ll find teachings like “don’t look for faults in others, only look for faults in yourself.” It’s meant to be helpful advice to someone with a particular disposition, in much the same way that particular medicines in a pharmacy are intended for particular illnesses. By way of analogy, if you have diarrhea it doesn’t undermine the effectiveness of medicine in a whole to point out that laxatives are not what you need right now — you just bypass the laxative section of the pharmacy and look for the medicines appropriate to your condition.

So you’re not going to find unity in the way you’re suggesting. Where you do find unity is that all Buddhist teachings are intended to help us get from a state of suffering to a state of freedom from suffering. Not every teaching or practice is suitable for everyone at all times. But the Buddhist tradition is like a vast pharmacy of the soul, and there are teachings in there that will help you.

I suppose a teaching like “only cherish others, don’t cherish yourself” is probably meant for people who have excessive self-cherishing, to the extent that they don’t think about others at all. For a while they may need to focus exclusively on others. For you, as someone who experiences depression, I’d suggest that having metta for both self and others is important. But you definitely need to cultivate self-metta in order to overcome your self-blaming tendencies.

Comment from Fred
Time: December 18, 2009, 5:12 am

Hi Bodhi (like in the movie Point Break:))

I think you have a really good point there.

I also asked the question in a Swedish Buddhist forum an got an interesting and wise answer. I’d link to it but I guess most of you guys don’t speak Swedish:) so I’ll explain what he said instead:

“The buddhist definition of Metta/Maitri is whishing someone to be happy and this someone might as well be you” …

“self-cherishing is thinking yourself is the most important and central thing in the universe, we will do anything only to satisfy ourselves often on other people’s cost” …

“all beings want to feel good, be free from suffering. in this view all these beings together is more important than us” …

in conclusion: “we should develop Metta for ourselves, it’s absolutely vital for being able to lover others. At the same time we should develop Metta for others. Loving oneself is not an “ego centric” thing to do according to Buddhism, because in the end it’s all about seeing through the illusion of our ego. On the other hand self-cherishing is an ego-centric act because it is build upon the illusion of an ego, separate from everything else”

this is a beautiful explanation I think so I wanted to take the time to translate it for you guys.

Namaste

Fred

Comment from Elizabeth
Time: December 22, 2009, 12:24 am

I just found this site tonight after returning home from a new yoga class with a new instructor. i’m very new to the practice. just a few months in. until tonight i would never sit in front of the mirrors in the studio. obviously struggling with self-love. tonight she suggested i move closer, making me face the mirror. i made it my intention to find self-love during my yoga practice. working to better my imperfections, but also accepting that improvement comes with time.

just wanted to say how happy i am to have found this site. always open to any advice or words of wisdom =)