i’ve been keeping a fairly regular practice of meditation and i’ve been noticing something that keeps coming up during my sessions. Sometimes as I relax and focus on my breathing, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I will start to giggle and just feel silly and playful. Out of all this I have been able to get some insights on other things that I noticed that need work on but I have noticed that I am much more humorous and playful with others in my regular life. All in all, I am feeling much more calm and serene in my everyday life. I still feel the stresses of life but now, instead of reacting and resisting, I notice what I feel and how it affects me and I just go with it and try to listen to my body as to what I need to do to ride it out and “be with it”.
Anyway, that’s what I’m currently dealing with. Hope all is well.

Things have seemed to normalized a bit. I think you were right about how, perhaps, I had ulterior motives for caring in the past. I remember at one point just saying out loud that “I don’t care” with regards to someone talking to me about their problems. I became aware of the fact that I truly was not concerned with the things happening to others. I had no control over what they were dealing with and them telling me about it wasn’t going to make any difference. I have my life to live and have enough troubles of my own. That was the “true” feeling that I had.

After some reflection on this state of affairs, I am starting to measure out my concern. I am becoming aware to the fact that I am not responsible for every bit of suffering going on around me. Plus, why should I be. That is not to say that I am not concerned or aware of the fact that those people may be suffering but I am becoming aware of the fact that it isn’t my responsibility to make it right or to be at it’s beck and call. I don’t know if this is making any sense.

Anyway, I have decided that I choose how I parcel out my compassion and not be reactive to the world and people around me. I cannot “fix” everything nor should I worry that I cannot. There are many people around me who are more capable, and intelligent enough to take care of those issues. When I did this, my attitude changed and I feel much better about myself and I realized that I am just like everybody else. I am not a savior to anyone. I have needs that need satisfying just like everybody else and it’s okay to say so.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m truly becoming aware of the fact that I am, indeed, human. Wow, imagine that. I don’t have to care about other people’s concerns. I can live my own life and that is okay. At times I feel like a selfish bastard but I have to remind myself that it is okay because this is my authentic self and not the deceptive self that I was presenting to others previously.

I know that I am a work in progress and that the path is difficult and sometimes easy but, either way, I am much more happier and content with who I am discovering as being me.

Hope this all makes sense. Your thoughts on my experience would be appreciated.

It can also be good to have a “gatha” (verse, or phrase) that you can repeat in order to help evoke a sense of appreciation. Thich Nhat Hanh is very good at this sort of thing, with gathas like “In, out; deep, slow; calm, ease; smile, release; present moment, wonderful moment.”

I’d be very interested to hear how you get on, and I would love it if you would give us an update in a few days.

Well, it could be that in the past there was some ulterior motive for your paying attention to people, such as wanting to be liked, or fearing them in some way. And if those reasons for paying attention to people are gone, you need to find new reasons.

In general, I’d encourage you to delight in the small things in life. Every moment is precious and unrepeatable. Every person is a work in progress, struggling (often blindly) to find happiness in an unstable world. Sometimes (often, in fact) we lose touch with this and the world seems irritating or boring.

Also, try taking your lovingkindness practice into daily life. As you drive, or walk, or sit on the bus, or have lunch, or as you pause at your work — in everything you do, at least some of the time — repeat the metta phrases and direct them to the people around you. The world can start to seem like a tender place.

Thanks for your post in response to my post. I’ve been doing the lovingkindness and breathing meditations and feeling like I am getting some good results.

But, I was wondering about something I have been noticing that has been happening lately. It seems that I am becoming more and more impatient and “checked out” from my interactions with the world and people around me. Where I once was, seemingly, attentive to others, I know seem to have a “I don’t care” attitude. This is surprising to me.

Do you have any idea as to why this may be happening? Am I really a selfish, bastard underneath? I would appreciate any direction and insight you can share with me about this.

-Daniel

I can’t tell you how much it pleased me to hear your story. May you continue to grow in happiness and compassion.

All the best,
Bodhipaksa

Yesterday, I became aware of how much I truly hated myself and have endured much suffering because of it.

I decided that enough was enough and was tired of being sick and tired of the shame that kept me from many wonderful things in life. So, after coming across your site and discovering what I felt would help me reverse this situation I purchased the “Guided Meditations for Calmness, Awareness, and Love” mp3 album.

I made some time before I went to bed to listen and found them very helpful and, literally, mindblowing. I don’t know how I am supposed to do them. One track a day or what but I listened and did the first two and man I had an amazing experience that lasted past the 40 minutes that the two tracks take up.

Anyway, I had such an outpouring of emotion that I found painful and exhilerating atll at the same time. Both were profoundly deep. I felt the intense pain of shame and then after about an hour of that I found wells of joy and merriment exuding from my deepest being. It was absolutely powerful. Afterwards, found myself calling up faces of people from my past that I expressed a wish for wellbeing, happiness, and freedom from suffering. It was a powerful experience for me that left me feeling light and deeply authentic for the first time in my life.

After about three hours of this intense activity, I went back inside to my home and slept like a baby.

I actually feel optimistic about myself and my future. I am feeling much more grounded and open to cultivating more of this lovingkindness for the benefit of myself and others around me.

I slept so well last night that I actually woke up this morning without the nagging feeling of pain that I used to feel in my belly upon waking.

I hope to continue to practice this meditation and make it a part of my beautiful life.

There is still so much more I could share about this one experience but I just wanted to take the time and express my gratitude to you for making this recording and making it available to the world. Clearly, an expression of loving kindness.

Thank You and peace and wellbeing to you.

Really the answer to the situation you’re in is mainly more mindfulness, which leads to an experience of equanimity. This means that we learn to accept our experience without trying to escape it. Even when experiences are painful, we learn just to be with them, and to accept them.

I don’t know what kinds of meditation you’re familiar with, but lovingkindness meditation can also be very helpful in relating to painful experiences, so that we can appreciate them and even welcome them.