Where do you draw the line and say, “sorry, this is not allowed”? We can learn which thoughts are supportive of wellbeing and which aren’t. Traditionally this is described as “right view” (samma ditthi), and it requires mindfulness (samma sati).

Desire and other emotional states do have a way of tricking us, and there’s no way to instantly prevent them from fooling us. But you can also use mindfulness and metta to deal with them. Over time they become less active. You can notice them, but not act them out (at least sometimes). These emotions aren’t separate from your thoughts, though. They manifest as thoughts: “Oh, what I really need is … just one more … what’s the harm … I’ll stop tomorrow.”

And what should I do with feelings that are not voices, like addictive cravings, irrational fears, feelings of ill will? Where do you draw the line and say, “sorry, this is not allowed”? I could say, “thanks but no thanks” or “Desire, may you be happy”, but desire has a way of tricking us. It presents us with mental advertisements of what we think will happen if and when we give into it. It then says, “see how good this is? you will do this ASAP”. Can we use metta to accept and pacify these urges?

Thanks again. I think this knowledge can really free and empower some of us who struggle with self-hate.

I think we need to be gentle but firm with these voices. They lie to us. But they’re not really malicious — they actually come from parts of ourselves that believe we’ll be safer and happier if we never succeed at anything. In a way they want us to be happy, but are clueless. So they’re misguided, and not very smart. But I don’t think in terms of belittling, and certainly not honoring. Yes, we have to accept that this inner voice is there, and that it’s not helpful, and that arguing with it isn’t going to get us anywhere. It’s like the drunk uncle who shows up at family gatherings and sits in a corner making racist comments — you just say, “Oh, yeah, it’s him,” but the kindest thing is otherwise to ignore him. Be kind, but don’t engage.

I think the metta practice you did towards your inner critic is good. I’ve done that kind of thing myself. The practice above is more for when you’re in the middle of daily activities and thoughts pop up. You can stop them from gaining a foothold just bay saying, “Hi, Solrac. Thanks for your input!”

But as for calling the voice a name, I think I’ll try calling it “solraC” because this is really “me” criticizing myself, but a different “me”. And when you say “tolerantly amused”, is that like belittling the voice, honouring it, or just openly accepting it as it is?

I tried this morning doing the 5 phase lovingkindness meditation, towards others and not myself. But every time I found myself distracted (often by thoughts that were criticizing or doubting myself, others, the practice, and my teachers), I said to the “voice”, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful, may you live with ease.” This is the opposite of how I usually react when I realize I have been distracted for a whole minute, which is basically to start ranting even more about how I can’t concentrate or what to do about it until I realize again I’m not focused on the object. I think it sort of worked, because I felt more peaceful and happier than usual after the meditation. Is this the sort of attitude we should have towards our voice when we find ourselves distracted? Or should it be more neutral?

Thanks for your help.

“I believe that I am incapable of practising meditation and self-control because I believe I am too stupid to do so and this gives me a sense of comfort.”

Honesty: 90%

Should I show lovingkindness to this inner abuser? Hope that it gets happy? It already is! Who should I wish happy?? The victim, the very person doing the abusing? Maybe to other people who made me this way, where the root of the problem occurred when I was not mindful. And what is the distinction between mindfulness and lovingkindness, in essence? Can you be kind to someone without being mindful? Can you be mindful of your inner state without being kind to yourself? This may be why some people practice metta before practicing mindfulness meditation?

Also, the distinction between self and other is not so solid. States of attachment and aversion can arise for people “outside” of yourself as well as for “beings” or personalities within. In general I have difficulty maintaining a friendly while neutral attitude, which, in daily life and in meditation, is the preferred way of dealing with obstacles to attaining stillness. Maybe you have to start somewhere. If you just show unconditional peaceful kindness to your breath, to your anger, to sounds in the environment, and to other living beings you appreciate or resent, then you are on the way to equanimity and peace? Or is there more to it than that?

I hope you see how confused I am. If I weren’t confused, I wouldn’t need to ask for advice. Or maybe the problem is I am not confused enough. Can someone please unlearn me? Sorry, I was holding all of this in. Here goes, “Submit”. (If any of this is divisive: please don’t believe a word I say!!)

Yeah, it’s really hard to get the balance between acceptance of what is, and acceptance that something has to change! Reminds me of that saying that all humans are perfect just as they are but could do with some polishing. i’m paraphrasing there but you get the idea :-)