When meditation seems to stir up negative emotion
I recently had a student write and say that after three years of practicing the mindfulness of breathing and metta bhavana practices, with his practice being daily for the previous several months, he’d noticed that he was experiencing an upsurge in negative emotion. He was naturally concerned about this and he wondered whether this was going to be the shape of things to come.
I reassured him that these things happen in waves, and that things would almost certainly change. There’s nothing inherent about meditation that brings up negative emotion, and in fact people who meditate regularly generally experience more positive emotion than the average.
The writer was unfortunately a bit vague about exactly what kind of negative emotion he was experiencing. It could have been anxiety, irritability, or depression, for example, and I found myself having to stab in the dark (to use a rather un-Buddhist metaphor) hoping that something I said might be useful to him. An edited and expanded version of what I wrote is below, and I’ll update this if he writes back with more detail about what’s been going on with him. I offer this in the hope that something I’ve said might resonate with you.
I thought of a few things that might have been happening to bring about the increased negativity he talked about.
1. It may be that he’d been noticing his negativity more and also perhaps also responding in unhelpful ways to it — being negative about being negative, so to speak.
My suggestion here would be to simply notice the feelings of negativity without judgment, perhaps taking a friendly interest in them. It’s possible, for example, rather than saying “Oh, no. Here’s another negative emotion,” to say “Ah! A negative emotion! I wonder what that’s all about? Let’s spend a bit of time together and see what’s going on.”
2. He may have become more sensitive on an emotional level, and also been more vulnerable because he hasn’t yet found ways to experience hurt without reacting.
My suggestion here would be to learn to empathize with your own sense of hurt. It’s all too easy to see being hurt as a kind of failure and to get into negative states as a result. We can welcome the sense of hurt into our experience and again just sit with it, taking a friendly interest. It’s valuable to locate the sense of hurt in the body, to see exactly where the feelings are situated, and to send metta there, repeating “May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering,” just as if this were a friend who was in pain.
3. He may have inadvertently been cultivating some kind of negative emotion in his meditation practice. I used to notice this in my own practice many years ago when I became very attached to having the right conditions for meditating. I was living in the city at the time and was fairly new to meditation. I really wanted quietness to meditate in, but there was always something going on outside my flat — taxis idling, people fighting, a guy shouting the titles of the newspapers he was selling. When I got disturbed I’d end up furious because of the frustrated desire for silence that I had, and sometimes I’d have quite violent emotions arising — highly ironic when you’re doing the development of lovingkindness practice!
I’m wasn’t suggesting that this was exactly what this student was doing, but it may be that he had his own version of this malady, in or out of meditation — some sense that things “ought” to be a certain way and a sense of frustration when, inevitably, they turn out not to suit his desires.
My suggestion here would be to try putting your expectation into words so that you can be more conscious about the clinging that’s going on. This allows you to take the expectation (perhaps something like “I expect it to be quiet when I meditate”) and analyze it to see if it makes sense, and to see what other assumptions might go along with that expectation or underlie it. For example you might dig around and find that there’s an unspoken assumption in your mind that runs like this: “I’m special, and my meditation practice is special, and I expect the world to recognize that.” Now this kind of assumption seems rather absurd when it’s spoken out loud or written down, which is the whole point of the exercise! Once you’ve realized the absurdity of the ego’s view of itself it’s a bit easier to find a lighter attitude and to let go of your expectations more easily.
So those are a few suggestions as to why one might feel an upsurge in difficult emotions through meditation, and of the kind of things we can do about them.
Comments
Comment from Jani
Time: December 18, 2009, 9:28 am
In addition to the abovementioned issues, I have experienced sometimes quite strong negative emotions regarding disappointment. Out of the blue, a knowing voice inside tells me that everything I had struggled for (and paid for dearly in terms of wellness, happiness, relationships etc.) was in vain.
It’s feels easier not to see that kind of things. Of course they should, instead, to be embraced warmly. It’s a lesson worth learning, however hard it feels.
Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: December 21, 2009, 9:51 am
Wow! Yes, it’s a tough thing to realize that we’ve been pursuing goals that weren’t going to work out for us. It’s tempting when that happens to beat ourselves up about it, but of course that’s just another unhelpful pattern that isn’t going to help us. At those times what we need is to have compassion for ourselves, so that we can process our disappointment and move on.
Comment from Fiona
Time: March 29, 2011, 4:17 am
After practicing meditation, I feel I have become silent and withdrawn. I am not the usual self as I was before. I think twice before I speak and rather keep quiet so that I do not offend the other. I feel peaceful but all that bubbly attitude of mine has somehow been lost. I do not try to become over friendly as I used to be but my family life is peaceful. Why do we get detached from friends and about the world around us?
Comment from Bodhipaksa
Time: March 29, 2011, 12:37 pm
Hi Fiona.
There can be various things going on. You don’t say what kind of meditation you’re doing, but it’s helpful if mindfulness meditation is balanced with lovingkindness meditation, so that we stay in touch with our emotions and maintain our sensitivity to others. It can also be the case that there’s some inadvertent repression going on, where you’re forcing your attention onto one aspect of your experience (such as the breath) and ignoring your emotional side. And sometimes people’s relations with others can be tinged with things like a fear-based desire to impress or to be liked, and if that vanished we have to recalibrate our personal relationships. Certainly, I don’t think it’s at all inherent in meditation that we cut off from other people or the world around us. Long-term meditators have been shown to be more empathetic and more compassionate, so I’d suggest that what you’re experiencing is just a temporary phase. My main recommendation would be just to keep going, to pay more attention to your feelings and emotions during meditation, and to make sure you alternate mindfulness practice with lovingkindness meditation.
Write a comment