Comments on: Lovingkindness chant

By: Mumof4

Mumof4 — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:17:38 +0000

Morgan and Quinn, your notes are so uplifting and I appreciate them soo much more than you both will know..Morgan its touching that you passed my story to your daughter..just too kind..

I am [Mumof4: I didn't think it was wise for you to post your email address publicly, so I'll pass it on privately to Morgan and her daughter].

So I can be a little more personal without the whole world seeing..Thanks again…

By: Quinn

Quinn — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 19:59:46 +0000

Hello Momof4, my name is Quinn and I’m Morgan’s daughter. I just wanted to talk to you about your depression. I’ve suffered with depression my whole life so I know what you’re going through. I know how hard it is to get up every morning and face the day. And I know how scarey it can be to take the meds! I’m on a new one right now called Cymbalta. It’s very good and it comes with fewer side effects. The one I was on before made me sleep walk. It was terrible. I was even taking my pills in my sleep! I did all sorts of stuff. But the Cymbalta stopped it all and I had no side effects taking it. It might be something you’d like to mention to your therepist.
One thing I find helps me get through the day is doing something special just for me. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, just something as simple as making a cup of your favourite tea, playing a favourite CD in the background while you work, stepping outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air. Little things like that that make you feel better.
And talk to someone. You can’t beat depression alone, that’s one thing I’ve learned. The best approach to managing your depression is to take some meds for it (once you find the one that’s right for you) and talking to someone who can teach you coping skills. I’m sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. I’m glad though that you have your kids. You need to hold on to them and think that for their sake, you’ll get the help you need.
I will keep you in my prayers.

By: Morgan

Morgan — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 19:19:40 +0000

Momof4, do you have any close friends that you can confide in? Would there be anyone your husband would listen to in terms of getting proper knowledge about what depression is all about?

Often times, people like your husband base their opinions on a lack of facts and understanding. He doesn’t appear open to listening to you but maybe there is someone else, a doctor he trusts or even a mutual friend that you know understands depression.

To be honest, I had no concept of depression either. When I found out my daughter suffered from it, my instinctive reaction was “just be happy”. I think that people who don’t suffer from depression cannot fathom just how devastating an illness it is. Now that I know, my attitude towards my daughter’s illness is very different. So maybe your husband can be educated, too.

I agree with what Bodhipaksa said about medication. If you read the pamphlets the drugstore gives you about all the side effects you wonder why anyone would ever take them! Sounds like you may be a lot like my daughter in that she is VERY sensitive to medications and if there is a side effect to be suffered, she’ll suffer it. It’s so stupid, for instance, to read that an anti-depressent will actually make some people violent or depressed or suicidal! Some side effects! And the Pharma companies are still allowed to put this stuff out for human use. Makes you wonder.

I do hope you find a responsible therapist who knows how to manage medications sensibly. A lot of psychiatrists are nothing but pill pushers so you have to be really choosy with who you see.
I hope all goes well for you. You have not only my sympathy but my prayers.

By: Bodhipaksa

Bodhipaksa — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 17:07:25 +0000

Your husband’s response is probably based on the assumption that you can just “snap out of it” if you see that your depression’s having an effect on others. As Morgan says, that’s about as sensible as thinking that someone can just pull their socks up and stop having Parkinson’s or diabetes (which would also have an effect on others).

I’d suggest that it might be useful to see that his attitude is inevitable as long as he has that particular view of depression. It’s not anything personally directed at you.

It sounds like you’re doing remarkably well coping with your family. Good luck at the doctor’s.

By: mumof4

mumof4 — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 13:13:46 +0000

Morgan and Bodhipaksa, thanks for the encouragement…the meds started off ok as iam highly sensitive so I beg for low doses…after a few days angry like woah constant to now ringing in my ears…and really unpleasant thoughts…I know a lot is trial and error but its scary….I can’t even tell my husband I’m going to the drs this am as he just doesn’t get it…I take care of everything…I have 4 kids..12..7..6..5….no family and obviously no support…this is hell….I’m terrified…I want to be here for my kids I just don’t know what the answer is…like yest I woke up to a flat tire…he stayed in bed while I called a tow truck and arranged for a ride to pick it up..I get the kids up and ready take them to school and pick them up I do groceries handle bills and I appreciate that he works but iam not god..even my three kids 2 of them only 11 months apart…its rough and even worse when I can’t be honest about what’s going on with me…he says my problems are effecting the whole house…is that suppose to make me feel better?

By: Bodhipaksa

Bodhipaksa — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:50:29 +0000

Meds can be atrocious. Often the side effects will include the very symptoms they’re supposed to alleviate, but the side effects can be worse (e.g. side effects of medications for depression can include suicidal thoughts). There are cases where people have been prescribed yet further medication to control the worsening of their symptoms (cased by side effects) and so on, with the condition becoming more and more severe. Plus the clinical trials for these drugs can be anything but scientific. The pharma companies are allowed to throw out the trials that show their drugs don’t work, and keep those that do. It’s really hard to know what these drugs actually do, sometimes. I think you’re right to be wary.

The most supportive thing anyone can have is compassion and understanding, and it doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that. Even at the best of times, a lack of perceived support can be deeply distressing. Morgan is right that you need to take time for yourself. As you say, you put off seeking help because you’re busy trying to help others. What happens when we do this is that we become like a field from which crops are constantly being harvested, without the soil being fertilized (nourished) or allowed to go fallow (rest). We all need nourishment and rest so that we can give more in the long term.

By: Morgan

Morgan — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:21:05 +0000

Mumof4, I am so happy to hear that you are getting help. No one asks to be sick in any way. People can be very unfair. They don’t blame someone with cancer or Parkinson’s or other such disease for getting it and they don’t take the attitude of “just get over it”. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, the lack of undersanding is quite appalling.

You say you dread meds because you dread the next time you have an episode. Does that mean that you are having a bad reaction to your meds? That is quite possible. My daughter has had side effects to her meds that can be the exact opposite of what those meds are supposed to do. Even more important that you find someone who can monitor your meds and adjust them as needed!

Mumof4, hang in there! It can get better with time. Take time to take care of yourself, too. That is so important. Moms especially get so caught up in taking care of their families that they forget to look after themselves. Be good to yourself. Take time to replenish both mind and body. It will give you added strength to deal with your depression.

Good luck!

By: Mumof4

Mumof4 — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 17:18:41 +0000

Morgan, thank you for your kind words…I appreciate it alot…I have no support at all…I am constantly punished for my illness…Doesnt anyone understand that I would give anything to be back to my old self…however I am not going to kill myself or apologize for what I cannot help…I love my kids to death and they are the reason I push to get better…I hate meds because I dred the next time I have an episode…it truly is scary..I have called a therapist and I am waiting for an appointment…just knowing someone cares does actually help…Hes constantly telling me how I dont really realize how much I effect everyone in our house..:( It hurts just knowing my issues are a burden however I will get better and will then deal with those that arent strong enough to deal with me..I am busy taking care of everyone else thats why my stuff waits to the last minute..thanks again..I hope your daughter continues to thrive…

By: Morgan

Morgan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:50:11 +0000

Mumof4, I have a daughter who suffers from serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, the whole gamut. She has been going to a therapist and they’ve tried her on different medications to find which one works best for her. She is doing much better now as a resut.

I would agree with Bodhipaksa that getting outside help is extremely important. Especially if you are not getting much support at home.
So many people don’t understand what depression is and just how devastating it can be. They think you should “just be happy and get over it”! It doesn’t work that way though. Most people need help. Going to the hospital is one step. But finding yourself a good therapist or trying the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction programs are essential to getting better.

As my daughter found out after resisting getting help for a long time, you can’t do it alone. Sometimes we need to lean on others for support.

I truly hope you find it like my daughter did. You deserve and have the right to be happy. May you find the path that will take you there.

By: Bodhipaksa

Bodhipaksa — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 22:47:06 +0000

Again, I’d suggest looking into Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression or Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Those are meditation-based therapies that might help you, without you being drugged up to your eyeballs.