Stepping back from the process
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The problem of self-awareness
A related problem is getting more in touch with emotions that you hadn’t previously fully acknowledged. Meditation can be a very accurate and unflattering mirror. Without meditation it can be very easy to delude ourselves into seeing ourselves as being purer, more patient, more socially competent, or kinder than we actually are. Meditation polishes the mirror, and this too can be a shock to the system.
Cynthia, a child psychiatrist from New England, commented: “I meditated today at the office and noticed that I can really slow down after meditating. I also noticed how irritable I was on arriving home when interacting with others. Ugh. I’m wishing I could be more mellow.” This is a fairly common experience - slowing down enough to be able to see yourself in the mirror.
Another student made the same connection: “It may be just coincidental but I have felt quite emotional in a negative sort of way. I don’t know if opening up in meditation has allowed an opportunity for my more repressed feelings to come to the surface (with some of the busyness out of the way).” This too is a phase that will pass. You’ll still have a more accurate perception of yourself, but it will be tempered by a sense of the progress you’re making.
In a way, the mirror becomes four-dimensional so that you not only can see yourself as you are, but also as you were and as you will be. Seeing ourselves changing, and realizing what we can become, is the greatest antidote to self-doubt that I know of.
In the short term we need to have a sense of trust in the process. The path at first may seem to be hard and rocky, the way may seem almost impassable, but over time your stamina and resilience will improve, and so will your patience and forgiveness of yourself. The path has its own rewards.
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