Many, many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I was at the apartment of a newly divorced woman I’d just started dating when her ex dropped by unexpectedly. Awkward! Especially since she had just popped out of the house and wouldn’t be back for a few minutes!
Trying to be a good host, I offered him a cup of coffee. He accepted. I imagine he was grateful that we could diffuse this tense situation through a little social ritual.
He asked for sugar with his coffee, and I wasn’t familiar with where it was kept. But after a little searching I found a sugar-bowl and, as requested, measured out two heaped spoonfuls into his mug. He took one sip and his face contorted into a look us disgust. It turned out that the “sugar” I’d given him was actually salt! Now, having apparently tried to poison my girlfriend’s ex, I felt really awkward! I was convinced he’d think I’d done this deliberately.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that it’s possible to confuse two things in a way that has unpleasant results. And this happens with spiritual practice even more than it does with unlabelled bowls of white granular substances.
The Buddha once talked about wrongly understanding the teachings as being like grabbing a snake by the wrong end. If you need to pick up a snake, you want to take a firm hold of it just behind the head. Grab it by the tail and it’s going to loop around and bite you.
So what kinds of snake do people grab by the wrong end? (Or to put it another way, what kinds of salt are people putting in their coffee thinking it’s sugar?) Here are just four.
1. Misapplied Non-Attachment
Non-attachment means being aware of your own clinging and desires (e.g. wanting to have things your own way) and letting go of them. In our daily lives we can practice non-attachment in many ways: for example letting go of your compulsion to speak about yourself and choosing instead to listen empathetically to another person.
Non-attachment doesn’t mean “not caring,” or emotional detachment, which is how some people think about it. Equating non-attachment with not caring is usually self-serving. The environment? Well, everything’s impermanent anyway, so what does it matter if species go extinct and people’s crops are ruined by drought?
True non-attachment helps us to see our emotional avoidance strategies, and to set them aside so that we can truly care. Genuine compassion, caring about others’ suffering just as we care about out own, is a form of non-attachment.
2. Fake Patience
Maybe you stay with a partner who’s unsupportive, or you have a friend who talks nonstop and won’t let you get a word in sideways. And you never challenge them, because you’re practicing “patience.” After all, haven’t we had it drummed into us that we can’t make the world into a perfect place, and that it’s up to us to change.
But the thing is that that partner’s unsupportiveness isn’t making them happy, and neither is the friend’s logorrhea. Quite possibly neither of them wants to be asked to change (generally we don’t like change), but both of them would be more fulfilled if they did.
Sometimes you’re doing both yourself and others a favor if you’re more demanding and less “accepting” and “patient.”
3. Spurious Kindness
Lots of people are caring and compassionate when it comes to others, but are harsh and critical when it comes to themselves. And yet Buddhist teachings say that we can’t really have kindness and compassion for others unless we relate to ourselves kindly and compassionately first. What’s going on?
At one time I assumed that the Buddhist tradition was wrong on this point, but as I learned more about practicing empathy I realized that the traditional teaching fits my experience. I realized that a lot of the time when I thought I was being compassionate toward others I was either being “nice” to them because I wanted them to like me, or I was being “good” so that I could feel good about myself. And both of those things arose out of me not liking myself and not being kind to myself.
As I learned to have more self-empathy, I found that this empathy, and the compassion that arose from it, naturally flowed toward others. What do you know? The tradition seems to be right, and a lot of what I had thought to be kindness wasn’t really kindness at all.
4. Misunderstood Karma
The teaching of karma (which, incidentally, is not as large a part of the Buddha’s overall teaching as most people seem to think) was really meant as something we applied to ourselves. You want to be happy? Look at what you’re doing, since it can either create ease or suffering, peace or turmoil.
Later Buddhists were less interested in Buddhist as a form of practical psychology and more interested in Buddhism as a theory that explained everything — something that the Buddha himself would have found utterly alien.
One of the consequences of this is that Buddhists often misuse the teaching of karma in order to validate their judgements of others: People are suffering? Well, they must have done something to deserve it. And so why should I feel compassion for them? If we really understood karma in this situation we’d be looking at our own reaction to others’ suffering, would realize that judging others is something that creates pain for us, and would find instead a more compassionate way to relate.
These are just a few of the ways that we misuse Buddhist teachings in ways that cause suffering for ourselves and others. It’s important to grab a snake at the right end. It’s important to make sure that what you’re putting in your mug is really sugar.
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I see #3 on a daily basis as a “therapist” (I don’t care for that term). It presents as a double standard, what’s forgivable in another is not forgivable for self. Years ago I began telling people if you can’t have compassion for yourself I’m not sure I can trust your “compassion” for me.
Thanks for those four points!
So much down-to-earth wisdom here. Thank you for digesting the teachings and serving them back, free of poisonous distortions. I am truly grateful.
I am very glad to find you and your work…May I quote you upcoming podcasts, on my program, “Spiritual Sobriety” on the Insight Timer? My work is on the commonality of 12 Step and Buddism, to end suffering from addiction, trauma and suffering… Please let me know what you think about my brand new endeavor.
Your podcast sounds like a great, idea, Christopher. I’m very happy to be quoted, of course.
Christopher , i am very interested in your work on the 12 steps and Buddhism . When can I find your program . please contact me via e-mail. My e-mail is as follows. firstname.lastname@example.org
Christopher. I am very interested in the 12 steps and buddism. I shall look for your podcast.
Sometimes when I wake in the night and I am a little stressed and on my own case I do try to treat myself as another person because I am liable to be much kinder in that context. I try to talk to myself as I would talk to a friend feeling what I am feeling.
Well done . Beautiful
Also interested in 12 step addiction process and how Buddhism relates to this. How do I find Christopher and Bodhipaksa podcasts/courses on these two subjects?
There are quite a few resources on Buddhism and recovery, Robin, although this isn’t a field I have any experience with and so none of them are mine.
You might want to check out work by Vimalasara Mason-John (Eight-Step Recovery), Noah Levine (Refuge Recovery), Kevin Griffin (One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps), or Josh Korda (http://dharmapunxnyc.podbean.com/).
The Spurious Kindness above I found rather unsettling and threw me into a bit of a tailspin to be honest. I suppose because I recognise the truth within it,certainly for myself. But now Im a bit confused. I find it very difficult to be certain now about my motives. How can you tell the root of why you do such things as kindness and compassion to others? I did a quick read of the self empathy link and will delve into it more deeply later on but this also had me facing both ways at the same time. As I read it I felt a deep resistance to what I was reading and realised that I was feeling that to be self empathising is to be self centred and generally selfish which is something that I dislike in other people as it generally results in the greed and inequality that we see so much of around the world these days. Does anyone have any helpful suggestion as to how I can untangle this in my mind? Would very much appreciate some help with this. Thanks for reading this. Tony.x
It’s common to assume that self-empathy and self-compassion are selfish, but that’s actually the opposite of the truth. Selfishness means singling ourselves out in some way. To decide that others are worthy of our empathy and kindness but that we aren’t is a way of asserting our specialness — albeit in a negative way. Self-compassion means responding to all suffering, whether it exists in us or in other people, without making any distinction.
If we’re empathetic, then other people’s suffering induces suffering in us. If we’re unable to handle our own suffering, then we’ll tend to turn away from the suffering we perceive in others. So we have to be able to deal with our own pain in order to be compassionate to others.
The turmoil you’re experience is just doubt. Isn’t it painful? Try offering yourself some kindness and support in the fact of that discomfort. Wish yourself well. See what happens.
Don’t worry about whether you’re getting compassion “right.” Just let yourself be kind, and if you notice that you’re trying to be “nice” (i.e. trying to please people or be liked) then see through those ploys. You’ll find that pain is present every time you’re doing those things, so just offer your pain some kindness, and you’ll probably find that you can then connect with others in a more truly empathetic way.
Thank you for the reply Bodhi. It certainly helped clarify a few things in my mind. Especially ‘ Self-compassion means responding to all suffering, whether it exists in us or in other people, without making any distinction.’ I hadnt seen it like that before.
The doubt inducing turmoil is certainly painful- its like being spun around until you have no idea which way to face, but your reply has very much helped.
Your compassion is most welcome!
I’m glad my reply was helpful, Tony.
VERY NICE TO SEE YOU HERE. WHEN I READ THIS I FELT IT,S RELATED TO SANGHA.
YOU ARE REALLY ORDER MEMBER. I M VERY HAPPY WE HAVE SIMILER THINK ALL OUR WORLD. WONDERFUL SANGHA CONSCIOUSNESS .