The Joy of Missing Out

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Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

At the moment I’m teaching an online course called Calm In the Storm, which is about finding peace in the midst of our turbulent and contentious times. I often benefit from teaching because it focuses my attention on particular aspects of practice, and as Seneca the Younger noted, “Men learn while they teach.”

This course has forced me to become more conscious of my relationship to the news, to social media, and the technology that delivers those things to me. And it’s this, more than anything I’ve said about mindfulness or equanimity, that’s had the most powerful effect on my sense of wellbeing over the last few weeks. In fact, the result of changing my relationship with technology, the news, and social media has been astonishing. I feel much calmer and more at peace than I did even just two weeks ago. I’m less anxious. I have more of a sense of clarity and purpose. I’m getting more done and consequently I’m feeling more of a sense of confidence and accomplishment.

Before I discuss what changes I’ve made, I want to say a little about my social media use, which is probably a little unusual. I’ve already been withdrawing a lot. I was a big Google Plus user, but Google is pulling the plug on that soon, and so I’m barely there these days. I’ve already withdrawn from Facebook since I find that there are too many argumentative people there. I recently stopped using Instagram, partly because it’s owned by Facebook (who can’t be trusted with personal information) and partly because I found that it my use of it was caught up with an unhealth desire to be acknowledged by means of “views” and “likes” and whatnot. So Twitter is the only social media service I currently use heavily. But you can probably apply what I’m going to talk about to any social media site.

Social Media Addiction

I had been finding myself spending too much time on Twitter. And it didn’t have a good effect on my emotional life. Much of the content there is fueled by outrage. The short format does not exactly encourage deep thought, and tends to promote sloganizing, blaming, shaming, and arguing.

My mind kept turning to Twitter over and over again during the day. I spent a lot of time reading discussions, and following links  to articles that people had shared. I experienced FOMO—the Fear of Missing Out. If I’d been away from Twitter for any length of time, I’d feel a sense of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Even while I was on the app or the website, I’d see those notifications of new tweets, and feel the need to what they were about. Click. Twitter is designed to be compulsive: you “like” and “share” counts on popular posts tick upwards as you watch, and notifications keep appearing to announce the arrival of new tweets. There are always new tweets.

News Addiction

My Twitter addiction overlapped with a news addiction. There’s a sense of crisis unfolding around us, both in my native Britain and in my adopted home, the US. It felt important on the one hand to stay informed, but also I was aware that the news can create anxiety, and anxiety can create a compulsion to stay in touch with the news. This is an unhealthy vicious circle.

So here are some steps I’ve taken to find some sanity and calmness in the midst of the current state of crisis.

Step 1: Reducing Access to the News

I get my news online. And again this can be compulsive, so I needed to reduce my access to that form of stimulation. (I don’t have cable or an antenna, so I already don’t watch the news on TV. When I’ve seen the TV news while visiting family, I’ve been shocked by how visceral, urgent, and unpleasant the experience is.) The Chrome browser on my iPhone had been creating a custom list of news articles that appeared every time I opened a new tab. I’d often spend too much time browsing those, so I switched off that feature. My phone came with the Apple News app installed, and headlines from that would appear in the notifications center. So I deleted that app. Both those changes have saved me a lot of time.

I still glance at the news. Often just reading the headlines and a brief description of a news story tells me what I need to know. The rest is needless detail. I do delve into some articles when they really interest me. Usually those are about science or psychology.

Step 2: Limiting Access to My Phone

I no longer sleep with my phone by my bed. It used to function as my bedside clock, and so it would be the first thing I’d touch in the morning. And as soon as I’d picked my phone up I’d be aware of emails, text messages, and app notifications that had come in overnight, so I’d get sucked into work and social media as soon as I woke up.

Now I charge my phone overnight in the living room, and leave my Apple Watch charging by my bedside overnight so that I can tell the time or set an alarm. If I didn’t have that I’d go buy myself a simple alarm clock, which would work just as well.

Step 3: Improving My Following Habits

I’ve often been astonished by the grace with which Chelsea Clinton and Cory Booker in particular deal with critics. They’re invariably kind. If there are more people like that, please let me know. I want to drink in and fill myself with their positivity. I’ve unfollowed or blocked people who I find are simply interested in attacking others, or who post nothing but insults. I deliberately choose to follow some people I disagree with, but not with the purpose of arguing with them; I just like to be exposed to a different way of thinking. I don’t want to exist in a bubble.

Step 4: Deleting the Twitter App

I wanted to cut down on my Twitter use, but it was remarkably hard to do so. I deleted the app from my iPhone, but I could still access it on my computer, or on my phone’s browser (I use Chrome and sometimes Safari). In fact Chrome on my iPhone had conveniently created an icon for accessing Twitter, because it was a site I visited often. Merely deleting the Twitter app didn’t make much difference in my usage. But it was an important thing to do in combination with the following two steps

Step 5: Blocking the Twitter Website On My iPhone

I wanted to make it even harder to access Twitter on my phone and I wondered if it might be possible to block an individual site. I discovered that it was. By going to Settings > Screen Time > Content and Privacy Options, I could toggle on the “Content and Privacy Restrictions” at the top of the screen. I could then, on the same screen, go to Content Restrictions > Web Content and tap on “Limit Adult Websites.” And then under “Never Allow” I could enter the URL for Twitter. Yes, I’m treating Twitter as if it were a porn site!

Now I can’t access Twitter on my phone at all, unless I undo those changes. But I don’t need it to be impossible for me to access Twitter. I just need there to be some friction in the process so that it’s easier to avoid it. If you’re on an Android device, I imagine there are similar settings.

This left my computer as the only way to access Twitter. Of course I’m on my computer a lot, so that had to be dealt with.

Step 6: Limiting Twitter On My Computer

Enter, Stayfocusd. This is a browser plugin for Chrome that allows you to limit the amount of time you spend on certain sites. It will even let you block them altogether. I decided to go with a 20 minute daily limit for Twitter. Once the 20 minutes has expired, I can’t visit the site at all, and just see a screen that says “Shouldn’t you be working?” You can’t extend the time limit once it’s expired. No cheating! (There’s an equivalent for Firefox and no doubt for other browsers too.)

This has led to me being much more selective in what I pay attention to on Twitter. I visit two to three times a day, and knowing that I don’t have much time I focus my attention on what seems particularly meaningful. I find that my mind now skips over snark and outrage, and tends to focus on more substantive contributions. I’ll open a couple of articles in new tabs, and then close Twitter.

Step 7: Reducing Other Notifications

Your brain is a hot commodity. Marketers spend billions of dollars to try to attract your attention, because attention is time, and time, as we know, is money. So in an effort to reclaim my attention, I’ve turned off notifications where possible. Essentially I’m down to silent email notifications (I don’t want to be disrupted while I’m working) and audible alerts for calendar events (since those are things I need to be interrupted by), text messages, and phone calls. When I really want to focus my phone goes on Do Not Disturb mode. Life on my phone is pretty quiet. It’s now 3:00 in the afternoon, and my phone tells me I’ve used it for a total of 16 minutes so far today.

From FOMO to JOMO

There have been some withdrawal symptoms. I’ve sometimes restlessly picked up my phone and stared at it, feeling the emptiness that comes when you expect to see something but find nothing. And for a while I felt drawn to check Twitter, over and over. But that is passing. This morning I found myself looking at my phone and thinking, You can’t bring me happiness. You’re a tool for me to use. My mind is not a tool for you to use.

The benefits have vastly outweighed the discomfort of these minor withdrawal symptoms. The results of these changes, as I’ve said, have been powerful. I’m much calmer, happier, and more focused. I’m getting more work done, which pleases me. I’ve also been reading more. I’m now almost finished a novel that I started about a week ago. That is satisfying. I feel that my mind is my own again. I feel free.

One of the participants in the course wrote, “Anything that stimulates my solar plexus when I read it, I am going to notice, breathe, then make a decision regarding whether this enhances or detracts from my quality of life. It feels good and empowering to be making these decisions.” Simple practice; deep results.

The changes that I’ve described have in fact had more effect on my wellbeing than my daily meditation practice. My daily life has more of the simplicity and joy of a meditation retreat.

Am I missing out? Yes. I’m missing out on stress, anxiety, and overstimulation. “Missing out” is wonderful. I invite you to join me, perhaps in some of the ways I’ve suggested, and perhaps in ways of your own, in moving from the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) to the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO).

  • If you find this article helpful, perhaps you’ll be interested in making a one-time or recurring donation to Wildmind to help support our work.
  • And it’s still possible to enroll in my online course, Calm In the Storm. One couple who are participating wrote this morning, “Our mood and productivity is way up, as is emotional resiliency … We both thought that we would experience more withdrawal than we actually are, and are feeling more relief and release from the firehoses of negativity than expected.”
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15 Comments. Leave new

  • Some good suggestions in this article. My concern is that the environmental issues are urgent and my opinion is that even though it might be stressful, we have to look at the these issues head on and not hide our heads in the sand. That being said, it can all be overwhelming and cause burnout if I don’t have a limit on exposure. As an activists however, it is crucial that I stay informed and engaged with other activists. Our Montana legislature is in session, both positive and negative bills need an immediate response from those who care. This is the challenge as a Buddhist – to stay involved and refrain from indifference but still guard the senses from the overwhelming and addictive qualities of Social media. Requires a lot of intentional awareness for sure and some of the strict rules that you’ve mention here are helpful! I find facebook too useful as a communicating tool so I will continue to stay on it but limit my time on it (takes a lot of discipline!). Have to investigate your own tendencies I guess in deciding these things.

    Reply
    • I’m not suggesting we should be politically uninformed or uninvolved. In fact I think it’s important to do so. So for example I follow my state’s political leaders on Twitter and have communicated my opinions to them via Resistbot when crucial votes have been coming up. And I do read news articles, although I’m more discriminating than I was. My suggestions are really about cutting down on stimulation when it becomes addictive. Not everyone finds that the news is addictive, of course.

      It used to be that I too found Facebook useful as a communication tool. Then I got rid of it and discovered that I didn’t miss it, and therefore didn’t really need it. Our minds lie to us about what’s essential…

      Reply
      • Definitely good to discriminate about what is important to stay informed about. I have to say to myself, “don’t click on that!” quite often! I don’t have a smart phone (really just a lap top!), so that limits my social media time right there! I sometimes like the longer, helpful discussions on Facebook but you’re right about refraining from snarky, negative comments! I find FB a good forum for educating others on an issue and maintaining community with like-minded folks (new Triratna Climate Action FB site). Of course, it is no substitute for face to face, personal time! Thank you for helping us navigate this crazy world of social media and overwhelming information so that our inner intentions and Dharma practice are kept solid!

        Reply
  • Really enjoyed the article – so relevant!
    Will you be re-running the calm in the storm course? It sounds interesting and it would be great to do it.

    Reply
    • I see that registrations for the course had ended on Eventbrite, which wasn’t my intention. I’ve opened them up again. I may repeat the course but the content would be different, since I tend to make a lot of references to current events. Anyway, if you’d like to enroll, go ahead!

      Reply
  • What a beautiful honest post. I always find it takes a lot of courage from experienced Buddhist teachers to step forward and admit their faults/limitations (especially online, for the world to read!). Yet, I find it inspiring and one of the most beautiful practices both for the teacher and for those of us reading. I get a lot from their honesty, openess and humbleness. There’s a lot to reflect upon in this post. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Thanks, Patricia.

      Reply
    • I was a little bit shocked by Bodhi a few years back when I met him and he turned out to be a regular guy muddling through life as best he can, much like everybody else and not pretending to have all the answers. I was quite disappointed that he wasn’t willing to stand on a pedestal for me.

      Reply
  • I agree with pretty much eveything you said. There is so much division and anger in our country right now. It is stressful to watch and even more stressful to participate in.
    I do wish that you could have possibly made a stretch and tried to find Democrat and one Republican that you admire.
    It would be nice to just be able focus on just the Dhamma for a time and forget about the worldly things that separate us.

    Reply
    • The examples I gave were specifically of people I admire for handling critics with a degree of poise that is is remarkable and rare. I do follow some Republicans on Twitter, but as it happens I haven’t seen anyone who’s a Republican exhibiting the same grace under fire. That’s not to say there aren’t any — just that I haven’t yet come across who come close to Clinton and Booker in that regard. If you know of any, please let me know.

      Reply
  • Bodhi, my business is focused on hospitals customers, and we’ve been doing a lot around measuring and controlling “distractions.” There’s an enormous amount of notification activity (to mobile devices), but also general alarm type distraction (including overhead announcements) that has a deep relationship with the patient experience, caregiver attitude (and productivity), and also life/safety issues. As you point out, it’s just super hard to be present in nearly every aspect of one’s life. If you think about hospitals, think about the impact of FOMO there?

    And it’s scary to let it go. I do put my phone away at night, and my wife and I go for walks, I don’t take it with me. It’s amazing that we have to mindfully make such choices today. I am going to try the Chrome app, as the FB and NYT/WAPO diet can’t hurt.

    Reply
  • Patricia Jeffrey
    March 28, 2019 7:55 am

    Love this Bodhipaksa! The bit where you pick up your phone & stare at it made me laugh… me too!
    Feel inspired to to move from FOMO to JOMO. Thanks. Jayavardhani Glasgow

    Reply
    • Hey, Jayavardhani! How lovely to hear from you. I’ll be bringing my kids over this summer and we’ll be spending a couple of days in Glasgow. I’m looking forward to dropping by the centre.

      Reply
  • Well said. I have also made a lot of those changes (e.g.buying an alarm clock instead of using phone). The last six months have been extremely trying, as a whole lot of tricky, life changing things have come up together, and the stress has been exacerbated by reading the news and Facebook, where I’m overwhelmed by everyone’s horror, by their anxiety and anger over things that also distress me and that i am completely helpless to do anything about. Actually reached the point where i was so overloaded i had hardened my heart. Not good. I am taking a week out, hiding in our holiday house (yes, I know this is a huge privilege). No face book, no news, no telephone (but I am checking emails). It makes me realise how much time and energy I was wasting. Instead I’m reading, meditating, walking, working, drawing, singing. Lovely!
    One of the harmful things you mention, and that I have been thinking about, is the online habit of outrage , which is extremely infectious and not helpful when it becomes habitual and is applied to everything, and not followed by action.
    Hopefully after this week i will have more control over my use of media and this wonderful /awful little device.
    (and I’ll also look into making a donation! Hindered by fact that I don’t use PayPal)

    Reply
    • I’m looking forward to being fully on retreat for 10 days this summer. It’s always a reminder to me that nothing much happens when I’m away from the news. The world goes on. Most of what happens doesn’t affect me in a direct way. And so I come to see that my desire to “keep up” with the news is pointless. There are definitely things I should pay attention to, but I don’t generally need to steep myself in the details.

      By the way, you can make a donation through PayPal without having a PayPal account. Look for the link that says something like “Pay using a debit or credit card.”

      Reply

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