· be extra patient with my partner
· don’t drink wine every day
· meditate
By the end of week one however, wine bottles were chinking in campsite recycling bins, I’d shouted GET ON WITH IT several times and had only meditated once, on the first morning.
Something about good resolutions makes me do the exact opposite. I want to be a better person. But it’s as if my definition of ‘better’ doesn’t always win the rubber stamp of approval from some mysterious internal committee. And this committee has a habit of voting with its feet.
Earlier this year, for example, I booked onto a two-week meditation retreat where the norm would be to meditate 6-8 hours a day. I usually meditate for half an hour daily, so I decided in the weeks leading up to the retreat to ‘build up’ my practice a bit. In came the goal-setting: I would add an evening sit and extend the morning one to forty minutes.
I didn’t even do it once. In fact, in the run up to the retreat, I stopped meditating altogether.
Once on the retreat, I planned to eat mindfully. A golden opportunity. Others might be doing something similar and if they weren’t, no one would be able to say anything because we were all in silence!
The plan lasted until day three. Surrounded incessantly by mindful eaters, the deliberate way they cut up their food drove me mad. And the way they chewed! The way they put their knife and fork down between mouthfuls. GET ON WITH IT I wanted to shout. I had to go and sit next to some big blokes who shovelled their food down any old how.
My aims often fail in this way. Perhaps I don’t have enough self-discipline. Perhaps I should cultivate aims that are less off-the-peg. Perhaps my motivation is wrong – too self-focussed. Or maybe my goals are too ambitious and I need to break them down into small, achievable outcomes. All of that sounds plausible.
And yet, I don’t know. Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’ comes to mind, in which the poet talks to his neighbour about mending their dividing wall. ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall/That wants it down. I could say ‘Elves’ to him/But it’s not elves exactly.’
Well, something there is that doesn’t love a goal either, I reckon. That wants it to fail. I could say ‘resistance’. But it’s not resistance exactly.
It’s probably closer to elves, and I’m interested in elves. I can’t shake off the feeling that they have friends on my internal committee and that those friends might be trying to tell me something.
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That's all really interesting. I couldn't agree more.
People often use the phrase 'self-sabotage' and while I'm sure it's useful sometimes, it can also seem harsh and perhaps a little solipsistic/claustraphobic, whereas the idea of outside entities strikes a more open, freeing note.
As you say, we're made up of so many disparate bits and bobs. And we live within history, not outside it, so I'm not sure we're as conscious/responsible about what influences us as we like to think!
I read an interesting article once by a psychotherapist who questioned the prevailing wisdom of the day i.e. that we should work to integrate the different parts of ourselves. He thought there was value and richness in being dis-integrated too.
There seems to be an assumption in Western Culture that our purpose in life is to Achieve. It doesn't matter what our goal is, as long as we achieve it. We are told we need goals to make our lives purposeful (and by implication better and therefore an object of praise and self-praise). I ask: is the conscious pursuit of a goal a distraction from other possibilities? Why would we seek to reduce possibility and potential in such a self-conscious way?
That's an interesting point Richard.
I'd point out that the Buddha's last words were "Impermanent are all conditioned things: strive with diligence." It seems clear that he was encouraging people to be goal-directed, but of course he didn't believe that it doesn’t matter what our goal is and was very clear that the most worthwhile goal -- the only ultimately worthwhile goal was enlightenment. So appropriate goals are important.
I'd agree with you entirely that the conscious pursuit of an inappropriate goal is a distraction from other possibilities. This is what's called in Buddhism "false refuges" as opposed to the true refuge of Awakening. We do this out of delusion; we think certain things will give us happiness, when in fact they won't. Not realizing this we keep committing ourselves to inappropriate goals.
Thanks Bodhi - you've helped my thinking there. So much 'goal-seeking' today seems to me to be artificial - a 'false refuge' as you say. And to quote Noel Gallagher - 'I can't live my life if my heart's not in it.' I think knowing our heart's desire is the essence of striving with diligence. But we need to be mindful that setting and pursuing goals does not lead to inattentional blindness, that we miss the richness in the blurred space beyond our attention.
Hi both
An interesting discussion. Recently I have been wondering if the way one pursues a goal is important too. I remember a saying 'go for what you want but hold it with a loose hand' (including even those goals that feel very important). Wise words, I think.