A complete guide to lovingkindness meditation

The Metta Bhavana, or Development of Lovingkindness, practice is one of the most ancient forms of Buddhist practice, one that has been passed down in an unbroken line for over 2,500 years.

We’re often taught as children that we should love others. Religious teachings say, for example, that we should “love others as ourselves.” But how do we learn to love others? And what happens if we don’t particularly like, never mind love, ourselves? Lovingkindness meditation practice is the practical means by which we learn to cultivate love and kindness for ourselves and others.

The practice helps us to actively cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others, so that we become more patient, supportive, accepting, and compassionate.

It’s part of a series of four practices which lead to the arising of:

  • Kindness
  • Compassion (empathizing with others’ suffering)
  • Joyful appreciation (rejoicing in others’ good qualities and the well-being and joy resulting from them)
  • Equanimity (patient acceptance of both joy and suffering, both our own and others’).

The metta bhavana is the foundation practice for this series of meditations.

The practice, leading as it does to the realization of compassion, is central to Buddhism, to the extent that the Dalai Lama has said “My religion is kindness.” While this statement may appear almost platitudinous, it’s actually indicative of something profound about spiritual practice.

   How to get started

  1. Read our introduction to lovingkindness
  2. Learn techniques for cultivating lovingkindness
  3. Start cultivating lovingkindness

Much of our unhappiness comes from the desire to be happy at the expense of others. It’s really very ironic that in grasping after happiness in this way we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like sticking your hand into what you think is a cool stream in order to find relief on a hot day, only to discover that the water is boiling.

Buddhist theory teaches, and practice demonstrates, that happiness comes from empathizing with others and from seeing their well-being and their suffering as being important as our own.

It’s not that we set aside our own needs entirely and become martyrs in the popular sense of the word, but that we recognize that one of our needs is to help others meet their own needs. In meeting our need to help others meet their needs we find that we become happier: a layer of self-induced (and selfishness-induced) suffering starts to dissolve.

Realizing this and working it out in our lives through the practice of kindness is a major part of Buddhist practice. In fact we could say, as the Dalai Lama implies, that developing a sense of connectedness with others and overcoming selfishness is the essence of the spiritual path.

  • Introduction to lovingkindness meditation
  • Ways to cultivate kindness in meditation
  • Stage 1 – Cultivating kindness toward yourself
  • Stage 2 – Cultivating Kindness Toward a Friend
  • Stage 3 – Cultivating Kindness Toward a Relative Stranger
  • Stage 4 – Cultivating kindness towards a “difficult person”
  • Stage 5 – Cultivating kindness toward all beings
  • Special lovingkindness meditations

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    • Hi Kevin,

      That's interesting. Do you have a reference for "help others before yourself"? I'm aware of Jesus having said repeatedly "Love thy neighbor as thyself" but not "before thyself." The clear implication (o the version I'm familiar with) is that we should love ourselves and extend that love to others.

      Stephanie's problem seemed to be that she was trying to love others while not loving herself (or taking care of her own needs, which amounts to the same thing). Since what gives light must sustain the burning, that's simply not a path to well being, however noble it may seem at first glance.

      All the best,
      Bodhipaksa

    • my problem is this that i cannot come out of my past ,i was working out of city when i came to know that my mother passed

      away and i have a guilt and feel bad about it.my realtionshio with dad is healthy and good and he lives with me for some and
      then goes back to the place i lived.But life is like very tough i still think and cannot forgove myself?what do i do?

    • Hi Shevon,

      I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. To be honest I'd suggest talking to a counselor because you need to explore why it is that you're experiencing guilt about being away when your mother died. There's no doubt a lot to unpack there.

      In spiritual terms, in Buddhism there's a belief that how we thing about those who have passed can still affect them. They may in fact still be around, observing our responses and being confused because they don't understand what's happening to them. At least this is the traditional view in some schools. Based on that view, it's considered important to continue cultivating lovingkindness for the person who has died, wishing them well as they go through a difficult period of coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer alive. This helps us too, as well.

      This isn't much, I know, but I hope it helps.

      All the best for you and your family,
      Bodhipaksa

    • well ur rite coz sometimes i feel that she is close to me whn i sleep i feel she is around me and watching over me and helpingh
      me with my life by coming into my dreams.The only main gulit is this that mom loved me a lot and i m the only child of her and
      she wanted to say somthin which she wasnt.i fear the same for my dad and dont wanna mom let go coz i wanted to b there
      at her death bed??Please advise i see night mares and live in fear thta i might loose dad the same way........

    • Hi Shevon,

      You wrote: "Please advise".

      I already did give some advice (see above), but it sounds generally as if cultivating mindfulness and lovingkindness would help you a great deal. Mindfulness would help you to spot unhelpful thought patterns emerging and give you the freedom to disengage from them. Lovingkindness practice would help develop more positive emotional responses so that you're less anxious.

      I'm afraid there are no magic words of advice I can give you that will take away the pain you're experiencing. You have to actually do the practice. There's plenty to learn from on this site or elsewhere. Without a doubt, a face-to-face class would also be helpful.

      I wish you well,
      Bodhipaksa

    • I also suffer from a chemical embalance, which in return causes some minor to major depression. The only thing that seperates my so called "depression" from others is the fact that it was induced by heavily abusing alcohol and drugs at a very young age, in return my mind did not develop in some areas where it should have and even was damaged in some recepotors. For me constant contact with my higher power and an attitude of selflessness and compassion considerably uplifts my mood. Added with the daily routine of prayer and meditation the so called "depression", "chemical embalance" is typically put into recession and I live my life one day at a time sober, free from the burden of my negativity and the chemically induced pleasure that I formely sought to relive all my internal warfare. Through pain comes growth, and at 21 years of age I am blessed to be living and I give all the glory to my higher power and the sernity aquired through any form of meditative study and divine practice.

    • Thomas,
      Your personal story is inspiring. I have taken many years to get to this point of spritual growth - and yet am still only beginning. I consider my childhood problems of emotional abuse a gift - without them I would not have unravelled and started again. I can help myself and others to a far greater extent than I ever thought possible both at home and at work

      with lovingkindness
      Sue

    • For some reason I decided to come back and read this thread and your response to my writing again. I was struck this time by the realization that, in fact, I do harbor some suffering from my elders calling me conceited or self-absorbed as a very young child. It would seem to make perfect sense in explaining my negative feelings toward personal happiness. I'm not sure why it didn't click the first time I read your response, but the pieces seem to fit perfectly. My uncle getting upset and calling me conceited is actually among my very first/earliest memories. I actually can't say for sure, but this may be my first memory. Well, I thank you for your time and thoughtful response.

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