The Metta Bhavana, or Development of Lovingkindness, practice is one of the most ancient forms of Buddhist practice, one that has been passed down in an unbroken line for over 2,500 years.
We’re often taught as children that we should love others. Religious teachings say, for example, that we should “love others as ourselves.” But how do we learn to love others? And what happens if we don’t particularly like, never mind love, ourselves? Lovingkindness meditation practice is the practical means by which we learn to cultivate love and kindness for ourselves and others.
The practice helps us to actively cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others, so that we become more patient, supportive, accepting, and compassionate.
It’s part of a series of four practices which lead to the arising of:
The metta bhavana is the foundation practice for this series of meditations.
The practice, leading as it does to the realization of compassion, is central to Buddhism, to the extent that the Dalai Lama has said “My religion is kindness.” While this statement may appear almost platitudinous, it’s actually indicative of something profound about spiritual practice.
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Much of our unhappiness comes from the desire to be happy at the expense of others. It’s really very ironic that in grasping after happiness in this way we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like sticking your hand into what you think is a cool stream in order to find relief on a hot day, only to discover that the water is boiling.
Buddhist theory teaches, and practice demonstrates, that happiness comes from empathizing with others and from seeing their well-being and their suffering as being important as our own.
It’s not that we set aside our own needs entirely and become martyrs in the popular sense of the word, but that we recognize that one of our needs is to help others meet their own needs. In meeting our need to help others meet their needs we find that we become happier: a layer of self-induced (and selfishness-induced) suffering starts to dissolve.
Realizing this and working it out in our lives through the practice of kindness is a major part of Buddhist practice. In fact we could say, as the Dalai Lama implies, that developing a sense of connectedness with others and overcoming selfishness is the essence of the spiritual path.
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Hi from sweden:)
First I would like to thank you for your work with this website, it's very inspiring!
I am 31 years old and have a history of depressions and anxiety syndromes. I have attended a 8 week mindfulness program and learnt to watch my mind.
I entered Buddhism mainly to keep the motivation for the mindfullness training going but now I feel that things like Metta Bhavana would be good to learn for me. Busshism has made me realize how little I love myself.
Since I started with Buddhism a couple of weeks back, I have had more really happy and joyful days than I have in years. I have tasted the incredible joy of feeling good about myself as whole even with the "faults" included...haven't been able to feel like that in years. And I want to credit the Love and Kindness confept for this.
On the other hand, during the last couple of weeks, there have been occations where I have felt my old "symptoms" more strongly than usual. These have been moments when I haven't been able to "counter" my negative thoughts with the Loving Kindness concept. Then I have felt so much despair, more lost than ever.
Buddhism resonates so well with the core of my being and I believe it to be the right path for me. But I also don't want to make "matters worse".
So my question is what can I do to make me react less when my mood goes from good to bad?
Have I too little patience or acceptence? Have I become too attached to feeling happy? Is it the perfectioniost/strong performer in me?
I cannot be the first novice in Buddhism to come across these questions. What do you think is the right thing to do?
Best
Fred
Hi Fred,
First, I'm so glad to hear that you've found tools to improve the quality of your life.
I think you've intuitively hit upon the source of the difficulties you've been experiencing. We do need to cultivate patience and acceptance of the ups and downs of our mental states. It does sound as if you've become attached to feeling happy, and so when your happiness diminishes you feel despondent.
One core problem that looms large in depression is identifying our mental states with ourselves. We experience an unpleasant emotion, and we think this is a sign that we are bad, or that something's wrong with us. But actually, it's just that there's an unpleasant emotion pleasant. That's all. We don't have to turn a simple experience into a story about our own worth.
Conversely, when a pleasant emotion is present, we have a tendency to think that this is some kind of validation of ourselves. But again, it's just a pleasant emotional state. It's impermanent and it's not an inherent part of us. So we watch it as it inevitably passes, and we accept its passing.
As a short-term goal, I'd suggest that you identify not with the experiences that are passing through your mind, but with the mental space through which they pass. Ultimately that's an idea you'll have to let go of as well, but you'll find it liberating.
All the best,
Bodhipaksa
i appreciate your words. you've surely shed some light on a situation for me that i have been dealing with for months now...
thank you for taking the time to reply the way you did.
Thank you for your informative reply, I kind of felt I was already onto the answer my self.
You said: "As a short-term goal, I’d suggest that you identify not with the experiences that are passing through your mind, but with the mental space through which they pass. Ultimately that’s an idea you’ll have to let go of as well, but you’ll find it liberating."
I have done so during my mindfulness breathing meditations and yes it is liberating and feels surprisingly true. Although I have read about this and heard it from many sources before, it's not until now that I have actually felt it's thruthfulness in meditation.
Of course, this insight leads to more questions; so if I am the "mental space" or the "watcher" who observes and experiences the thoughts, feelings that passes by... without identifying with them.
Then the worrying thoughts and feelings that pop into my awareness are as little "me" as other external circumstances, which can be appreciated as "bad" like rainy weather or if I catch the flu (things that are easy to see that they are not "me" because they are so external and out of my control).
Isn't there a risk that one can become totally "detatched" or an "uncaring" person with this perspective? What is your experience?
Thanks again for you work:)
Fred
Hi Fred,
Of course, this insight leads to more questions; so if I am the "mental space" or the "watcher" who observes and experiences the thoughts, feelings that passes by... without identifying with them...
Well, from a traditional point of view (i.e. from the point of view of the earliest Budhist writings) that's not quite true; ultimately we can't identify ourselves with any one part of our experience. That's why I said this was a short-term goal (although I meant short term as in "years") and why you'd have to let go of that perspective eventually (meaning once that perspective itself becomes constricting). But for a good long time it would be very useful as a practice to identify with the blue sky rather than the clouds.
Then the worrying thoughts and feelings that pop into my awareness are as little "me" as other external circumstances, which can be appreciated as "bad" like rainy weather or if I catch the flu (things that are easy to see that they are not "me" because they are so external and out of my control).
That's exactly it. These mental states are not you. You're not defined by them or limited by them. They'll pass and you'll still be there.
Isn’t there a risk that one can become totally “detached” or an “uncaring” person with this perspective? What is your experience?
It's actually the other way around! Getting caught up in our inner dramas leaves little energy left over for being compassionate towards others.
Thank you again for your kind and patient answer.
I was thinking about something I read the other day, that "self-cherishing" is not a good thing according to buddhism. One should cherish only others. It seems to be a very strong belief in the butthist practice.
Doesn't that stand in conflict with the metta practice, where the firat step is to "cherish" oneself?
Maybe it's the language barrier playing with me here. Please enlighten me on the difference between self-cherishing and doing the metta towards oneself practice.
Thanks again
Fred
If you read that in Buddhism we should "cherish only others" then I'm afraid that was a distortion of the original Buddhist teachings. Self-cherishing isn't a problem in itself -- it's when our circle of concern is limited to ourselves and excludes others that there's a problem. If you read about "self-cherishing" as a bad thing then it was probably meaning in a restrictive sense.
All the best,
Bodhipaksa
Well, there's quite a lot of it if you just google self cherishing. Example:
https://aboutdharma.org/dharma-teachings.php/ But there's loads more...
Things like "don't look for faults in others, only look for faults in yourself" becomes somewhat bad advice for someone suffering from depression...all we do all day long is blaming ourselves for our imagined shortcomings...
As a new adventurer in the Buddhist teachings I want unity not paradoxes. Please enlighten me:)
Best
Fredrik
Hi Fred,
Well, you're talking about a tradition that's existed for 2,500 years, and that has been spread over a large number of cultures that sometimes haven't had any contact with each other, and that has adapted to the various cultures it's encountered. So from that perspective you're unlikely to find an absolutely consistent message.
Even if you look at the earliest teachings, you'll find that the Buddha taught different practices to those of different personality types. So for someone obsessed with looking at the faults of others you'll find teachings like "don’t look for faults in others, only look for faults in yourself." It's meant to be helpful advice to someone with a particular disposition, in much the same way that particular medicines in a pharmacy are intended for particular illnesses. By way of analogy, if you have diarrhea it doesn't undermine the effectiveness of medicine in a whole to point out that laxatives are not what you need right now -- you just bypass the laxative section of the pharmacy and look for the medicines appropriate to your condition.
So you're not going to find unity in the way you're suggesting. Where you do find unity is that all Buddhist teachings are intended to help us get from a state of suffering to a state of freedom from suffering. Not every teaching or practice is suitable for everyone at all times. But the Buddhist tradition is like a vast pharmacy of the soul, and there are teachings in there that will help you.
I suppose a teaching like "only cherish others, don't cherish yourself" is probably meant for people who have excessive self-cherishing, to the extent that they don't think about others at all. For a while they may need to focus exclusively on others. For you, as someone who experiences depression, I'd suggest that having metta for both self and others is important. But you definitely need to cultivate self-metta in order to overcome your self-blaming tendencies.
Hi Bodhi (like in the movie Point Break:))
I think you have a really good point there.
I also asked the question in a Swedish Buddhist forum an got an interesting and wise answer. I'd link to it but I guess most of you guys don't speak Swedish:) so I'll explain what he said instead:
"The buddhist definition of Metta/Maitri is whishing someone to be happy and this someone might as well be you" ...
"self-cherishing is thinking yourself is the most important and central thing in the universe, we will do anything only to satisfy ourselves often on other people's cost" ...
"all beings want to feel good, be free from suffering. in this view all these beings together is more important than us" ...
in conclusion: "we should develop Metta for ourselves, it's absolutely vital for being able to lover others. At the same time we should develop Metta for others. Loving oneself is not an "ego centric" thing to do according to Buddhism, because in the end it's all about seeing through the illusion of our ego. On the other hand self-cherishing is an ego-centric act because it is build upon the illusion of an ego, separate from everything else"
this is a beautiful explanation I think so I wanted to take the time to translate it for you guys.
Namaste
Fred
I just found this site tonight after returning home from a new yoga class with a new instructor. i'm very new to the practice. just a few months in. until tonight i would never sit in front of the mirrors in the studio. obviously struggling with self-love. tonight she suggested i move closer, making me face the mirror. i made it my intention to find self-love during my yoga practice. working to better my imperfections, but also accepting that improvement comes with time.
just wanted to say how happy i am to have found this site. always open to any advice or words of wisdom =)