Lovingkindness chant

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• It is 5:43 am and I have been battling depression for a week..I hate meds..they make me feel worse..i have 4 beautiful children I have lost my family to cancer and I had a terrible childhood..I dont know how to move forward and feel anything but out of it..How can I get past this without medication? I know I dont want to die I need support...the panic attacks are paralyzing...I have these bouts of depression every yr or so but this time its pretty bad...if only I knew how to cope and knew that people love me...I am so tired of just laying here..I have pills for depression and anxiety and i just sit and look at them think is there not another way? If someone knows the way please tell me..I will listen..I will follow...I dont want to end up in the hospital..

• Hi, Mumof4.

  I'm sorry to hear that you've been battling depression. It sounds really tough. You might want to check out a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression class, if there's one in your area. They can really help deal with the kind of thing you're going through.

  Failing that, have you considered talking to a therapist? Talking through your feelings might well help.

• Thanks for your note...My bday was tues and I did nothing...I finally gave into the anti depressant this am..I am suppose to take 75mg of wellbutrin a day 2x a day however I am really sensitive to meds so I took half of the 75mg and I made it...nothing too serious..Tonight I will take the 75mg...I have also become plagued with agrophobia which i have never ever had..I have had panic attacks in the past but never did I stay in the house for days...I am just terrified that once the meds kick in I will have a set back..My husband is not at all supportive..he believes that these types of illnessess are made up and pill poppin is an excuse..Thats why I seek the help of others as my own family is deceased...I think the right support from others that are like me would be a huge help....

• I do hope that you seek the kind of help I suggested. With the kind of suffering you're experiencing you really need professional help. Meditating may not even be a good idea right now, without very close supervision.

  I hope things get better for you, and I hope you're actively seeking help.

• I tried the wellbutrin..seemed like I was doing ok and suddenly i am taking a slide..Im trying so hard to hold it together...I am going to take something for my anxiety in a few mins those dont seem to be helping either..if it doesnt improve i will probably admit myself..The problem is the hospital is just going to once again medicate me...The dr makes his rounds to see how meds are doing but other than that you sit in your room or socialize with others and thats not really what i want...:(

  • Again, I'd suggest looking into Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression or Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Those are meditation-based therapies that might help you, without you being drugged up to your eyeballs.

• Mumof4, I have a daughter who suffers from serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, the whole gamut. She has been going to a therapist and they've tried her on different medications to find which one works best for her. She is doing much better now as a resut.

  I would agree with Bodhipaksa that getting outside help is extremely important. Especially if you are not getting much support at home.
  So many people don't understand what depression is and just how devastating it can be. They think you should "just be happy and get over it"! It doesn't work that way though. Most people need help. Going to the hospital is one step. But finding yourself a good therapist or trying the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction programs are essential to getting better.

  As my daughter found out after resisting getting help for a long time, you can't do it alone. Sometimes we need to lean on others for support.

  I truly hope you find it like my daughter did. You deserve and have the right to be happy. May you find the path that will take you there.

• Morgan, thank you for your kind words...I appreciate it alot...I have no support at all...I am constantly punished for my illness...Doesnt anyone understand that I would give anything to be back to my old self...however I am not going to kill myself or apologize for what I cannot help...I love my kids to death and they are the reason I push to get better...I hate meds because I dred the next time I have an episode...it truly is scary..I have called a therapist and I am waiting for an appointment...just knowing someone cares does actually help...Hes constantly telling me how I dont really realize how much I effect everyone in our house..:( It hurts just knowing my issues are a burden however I will get better and will then deal with those that arent strong enough to deal with me..I am busy taking care of everyone else thats why my stuff waits to the last minute..thanks again..I hope your daughter continues to thrive...

• Mumof4, I am so happy to hear that you are getting help. No one asks to be sick in any way. People can be very unfair. They don't blame someone with cancer or Parkinson's or other such disease for getting it and they don't take the attitude of "just get over it". But when it comes to depression and anxiety, the lack of undersanding is quite appalling.

  You say you dread meds because you dread the next time you have an episode. Does that mean that you are having a bad reaction to your meds? That is quite possible. My daughter has had side effects to her meds that can be the exact opposite of what those meds are supposed to do. Even more important that you find someone who can monitor your meds and adjust them as needed!

  Mumof4, hang in there! It can get better with time. Take time to take care of yourself, too. That is so important. Moms especially get so caught up in taking care of their families that they forget to look after themselves. Be good to yourself. Take time to replenish both mind and body. It will give you added strength to deal with your depression.

  Good luck!

  • Meds can be atrocious. Often the side effects will include the very symptoms they're supposed to alleviate, but the side effects can be worse (e.g. side effects of medications for depression can include suicidal thoughts). There are cases where people have been prescribed yet further medication to control the worsening of their symptoms (cased by side effects) and so on, with the condition becoming more and more severe. Plus the clinical trials for these drugs can be anything but scientific. The pharma companies are allowed to throw out the trials that show their drugs don't work, and keep those that do. It's really hard to know what these drugs actually do, sometimes. I think you're right to be wary.

    The most supportive thing anyone can have is compassion and understanding, and it doesn't sound like you're getting much of that. Even at the best of times, a lack of perceived support can be deeply distressing. Morgan is right that you need to take time for yourself. As you say, you put off seeking help because you're busy trying to help others. What happens when we do this is that we become like a field from which crops are constantly being harvested, without the soil being fertilized (nourished) or allowed to go fallow (rest). We all need nourishment and rest so that we can give more in the long term.

• Morgan and Bodhipaksa, thanks for the encouragement...the meds started off ok as iam highly sensitive so I beg for low doses...after a few days angry like woah constant to now ringing in my ears...and really unpleasant thoughts...I know a lot is trial and error but its scary....I can't even tell my husband I'm going to the drs this am as he just doesn't get it...I take care of everything...I have 4 kids..12..7..6..5....no family and obviously no support...this is hell....I'm terrified...I want to be here for my kids I just don't know what the answer is...like yest I woke up to a flat tire...he stayed in bed while I called a tow truck and arranged for a ride to pick it up..I get the kids up and ready take them to school and pick them up I do groceries handle bills and I appreciate that he works but iam not god..even my three kids 2 of them only 11 months apart...its rough and even worse when I can't be honest about what's going on with me...he says my problems are effecting the whole house...is that suppose to make me feel better?

  • Your husband's response is probably based on the assumption that you can just "snap out of it" if you see that your depression's having an effect on others. As Morgan says, that's about as sensible as thinking that someone can just pull their socks up and stop having Parkinson's or diabetes (which would also have an effect on others).

    I'd suggest that it might be useful to see that his attitude is inevitable as long as he has that particular view of depression. It's not anything personally directed at you.

    It sounds like you're doing remarkably well coping with your family. Good luck at the doctor's.

• Momof4, do you have any close friends that you can confide in? Would there be anyone your husband would listen to in terms of getting proper knowledge about what depression is all about?

  Often times, people like your husband base their opinions on a lack of facts and understanding. He doesn't appear open to listening to you but maybe there is someone else, a doctor he trusts or even a mutual friend that you know understands depression.

  To be honest, I had no concept of depression either. When I found out my daughter suffered from it, my instinctive reaction was "just be happy". I think that people who don't suffer from depression cannot fathom just how devastating an illness it is. Now that I know, my attitude towards my daughter's illness is very different. So maybe your husband can be educated, too.

  I agree with what Bodhipaksa said about medication. If you read the pamphlets the drugstore gives you about all the side effects you wonder why anyone would ever take them! Sounds like you may be a lot like my daughter in that she is VERY sensitive to medications and if there is a side effect to be suffered, she'll suffer it. It's so stupid, for instance, to read that an anti-depressent will actually make some people violent or depressed or suicidal! Some side effects! And the Pharma companies are still allowed to put this stuff out for human use. Makes you wonder.

  I do hope you find a responsible therapist who knows how to manage medications sensibly. A lot of psychiatrists are nothing but pill pushers so you have to be really choosy with who you see.
  I hope all goes well for you. You have not only my sympathy but my prayers.