The Metta Bhavana, or Development of Lovingkindness, practice is one of the most ancient forms of Buddhist practice, one that has been passed down in an unbroken line for over 2,500 years.
We’re often taught as children that we should love others. Religious teachings say, for example, that we should “love others as ourselves.” But how do we learn to love others? And what happens if we don’t particularly like, never mind love, ourselves? Lovingkindness meditation practice is the practical means by which we learn to cultivate love and kindness for ourselves and others.
The practice helps us to actively cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others, so that we become more patient, supportive, accepting, and compassionate.
It’s part of a series of four practices which lead to the arising of:
The metta bhavana is the foundation practice for this series of meditations.
The practice, leading as it does to the realization of compassion, is central to Buddhism, to the extent that the Dalai Lama has said “My religion is kindness.” While this statement may appear almost platitudinous, it’s actually indicative of something profound about spiritual practice.
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Much of our unhappiness comes from the desire to be happy at the expense of others. It’s really very ironic that in grasping after happiness in this way we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like sticking your hand into what you think is a cool stream in order to find relief on a hot day, only to discover that the water is boiling.
Buddhist theory teaches, and practice demonstrates, that happiness comes from empathizing with others and from seeing their well-being and their suffering as being important as our own.
It’s not that we set aside our own needs entirely and become martyrs in the popular sense of the word, but that we recognize that one of our needs is to help others meet their own needs. In meeting our need to help others meet their needs we find that we become happier: a layer of self-induced (and selfishness-induced) suffering starts to dissolve.
Realizing this and working it out in our lives through the practice of kindness is a major part of Buddhist practice. In fact we could say, as the Dalai Lama implies, that developing a sense of connectedness with others and overcoming selfishness is the essence of the spiritual path.
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I'm finding very little conflict with the middle road and Christian understanding. Morality, concentration and wisdom were taught by many spiritual people... loving kindness. Jesus I was told was real big on forgiveness. A Catholic priest told me 70x7 has its limits too.
You may get to a point where the one you are helping has no redeeming quality and there are others deserving of your attention. I'm getting to a point where the well is running dry. I was reading something Rinpoche wrote about one individual becoming the object of your anger or love and we need to be there for all sentient beings.
I was playing favorites in the first place. I could have used this information along time ago.
Hi Andre,
Ah, that's an interesting observation. I think often when we pour a lot of our love into one unrewarding relationship, there's a lot more going on than just love. There's probably an identification being made with the success of the relationship -- if it goes well we think we're doing well and if it goes badly we think that we are failing. We see the relationship as ourselves and vice versa.
There's often attachment to the idea of "saving" someone as well, so that we can earn their gratitude at the end, once we've turned the relationship around, and then feel really good about ourselves.
It's worth working at relationships, of course, but sometimes they're just not salvageable and they become a waste of our time and energy. When we're drained and unhappy as the result of trying to change a person who just doesn't want to change (and why not -- after all, not changing is getting them lots of attention) we're not doing anyone any favors.
Thanks for a stimulating comment.
Wow - 1st time I've been on here. I'm really enjoying and appreciating people's willingness to share themselves so courageously and Bodhipaksa's compassionate and insightful responses.
Great site, thanks!
That was very kind of you, Amitasuri! Do come back. And we have a whole blog section that's a bit separate, with one-off articles rather than structured guides to meditation. Sunada and others publish some very good material there.
I am confused about how lovingkindness and emptiness goes to gether.
Why we have to attach (by lovingkindness) to illusions (emptiness)?
Hi Zenball,
I guess this is your koan. Lovingkindness doesn't involve attachment. It arises in the absence of attachment. And it's not possible to completely realize compassion for suffering beings until you realize that they are empty of self-existence.
Hello
I would like to develop compassion, but I'm afraid I might be kind of insincere in doing so. What if I'm trying to be kind only to make myself feel like a compassionate person, i.e. feeding my ego - taking the focus off my own suffering and others' and just putting on a show? How do you have the right motivation? Is my question clear?
Shashi
Hi Shashi,
That's a very good question. I'd answer that our motives at the start are always going to be mixed, and that we simply shouldn't keep second-guessing ourselves, worrying that we may be practicing for the wrong reasons. When the rubber hits the road you'll find out soon enough in what ways your motives are unhelpful. For example when you want to be seen as compassionate so that people will like you and be grateful, you'll see resentment arising in your mind as soon as someone doesn't give you the praise you think you deserve. You then have something concrete to work with -- a feeling of resentment and its underlying craving -- which is much more useful than trying to guess in what sort of ways your motives may be impure.
In short, the path is self-correcting. Your own suffering will tell you when you've been feeding the ego.
All the best,
Bodhipaksa
I've been doing metta mediation for over a year now, and the one thing that I'm worried or confused about is practicing metta on someone I'd like to not harm me anymore.
For instance I have a really tough next door neighbor that makes noises all hours of the night and throughout the day and although I've nicely approached them about it a couple of times they still proceed to ignore my request. I'm on the fence on including them in my mediation because it may be a selfish act (for them to quit slamming the door) is it not?
I'm stuck.
Hi Mark,
I'd say the first person you might want to develop metta for is yourself. It's obviously a source of pain for you that your neighbors are not only noisy but don't take your needs into account. So I'd suggest that you acknowledge your pain and send yourself some compassion.
But as for including them in your well-wishing, there may well be an element of selfishness because you'd like them to be quieter, but that's something you'll just have to work through. After all, they're probably not going to be quieter and so you're going to have to find other motives for wishing them well. Ultimately when you're wishing them well you're doing something for yourself anyway -- it's your feelings of anger that you're counteracting. And that's also going to help you suffer less, because railing in your mind against your neighbors is going to cause you suffering. If you can learn not to do that then you'll be happier. You may even get to the point where the noise just doesn't bother you.
all the best,
Bodhipaksa