The Metta Bhavana, or Development of Lovingkindness, practice is one of the most ancient forms of Buddhist practice, one that has been passed down in an unbroken line for over 2,500 years.
We’re often taught as children that we should love others. Religious teachings say, for example, that we should “love others as ourselves.” But how do we learn to love others? And what happens if we don’t particularly like, never mind love, ourselves? Lovingkindness meditation practice is the practical means by which we learn to cultivate love and kindness for ourselves and others.
The practice helps us to actively cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others, so that we become more patient, supportive, accepting, and compassionate.
It’s part of a series of four practices which lead to the arising of:
The metta bhavana is the foundation practice for this series of meditations.
The practice, leading as it does to the realization of compassion, is central to Buddhism, to the extent that the Dalai Lama has said “My religion is kindness.” While this statement may appear almost platitudinous, it’s actually indicative of something profound about spiritual practice.
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Much of our unhappiness comes from the desire to be happy at the expense of others. It’s really very ironic that in grasping after happiness in this way we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like sticking your hand into what you think is a cool stream in order to find relief on a hot day, only to discover that the water is boiling.
Buddhist theory teaches, and practice demonstrates, that happiness comes from empathizing with others and from seeing their well-being and their suffering as being important as our own.
It’s not that we set aside our own needs entirely and become martyrs in the popular sense of the word, but that we recognize that one of our needs is to help others meet their own needs. In meeting our need to help others meet their needs we find that we become happier: a layer of self-induced (and selfishness-induced) suffering starts to dissolve.
Realizing this and working it out in our lives through the practice of kindness is a major part of Buddhist practice. In fact we could say, as the Dalai Lama implies, that developing a sense of connectedness with others and overcoming selfishness is the essence of the spiritual path.
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The most beautiful, enriching and calming quest I have had the pleasure to find and want to learn so much more.
I love to love...
To learn to harness, be mindful and find peace within is more attractive to me than chasing rainbows and keeping up with the Jone's.
In my humble first step toward a deeper inner strength, I ask...
Is there a line?
To emanate loving kindness limitless...
You are being taken for granted, clearly abused...you maintain loving kindness...the more you give the harder you are tested...
Like being a rabbit in a den full of li ons.
Do you maintain loving kindness within the den or do you find an exit?
Dear Despina,
If you're feeling abused, taken for granted, and like a rabbit in a lion's den, then something is clearly wrong here. You need to get out of that lion's den, pronto! I think the idea of compassion is too often thought to mean that we must sacrifice ourselves. This is not what the Buddha taught. Compassion always begins with taking care of ourselves first, so we are strong and healthy enough to offer our best to others. The way I see it, transcending the boundary of self and other doesn't mean to squash myself in favor of others. I prefer to see it more in terms of "we" instead of "you vs. me." On balance, what's best for all of us involved in the situation? Is the world better served by my feeling beaten down? I doubt it! If you need to get out of a situation to save yourself, I think that's a sensible thing to do! It turns wrote on this topic recently in the Wildmind blog. You can find it here: https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/learning-to-love-ourselves
With metta to you,
Sunada
I am interested to see others replies.
From my current perspective (having just separated from my husband in what was turning into, and I use a label only to give a broad and brief desciption, an emotional abusive situation) these are my thoughts.
To consciously put oneself in the position of being abused would surely be to abuse oneself knowingly which cannot be consistent with self love and without self love one cannot love others fully. Unconsciously being abused is a bit different but the feeling saomething is not right or comfortable would usually be there in some way.
So - maintaining appropriate boundaries whether that is in the person's presence or from a distance is loving yourself and them. It is hard to see the good in people if you are letting them abuse you and I am conscious of the saying 'let go - it wasn't the situation holding onto you , you were holding on to it'
I am also learning that thinking and trying hard can make things worse and I am better off maintaining my inner peace and 'feeling my way'.
At the moment my husband and I have a better relationship 'separated' - but there is no real separation from anything or anyone- it is all one.
Sue
This is something of a fundamental question, coming what I have read and tried to practice in terms of cultivating metta, and of observing but not clinging to emotions.
The question is "Is love an emotion?"
Mindfulness brings me to the firm realisation that emotions arise and subside, have no substantive concrete reality, and above all are not MINE but just passing through.
But when I still my body, emotions and thoughts I find inklings of loving kindness - as a natural state - underlying everything else. When experienced, this feels very much like a positive emotion. Or perhaps it simply generates a positive emotional reaction?
When I share metta with another person, though compassion or sympathetic joy, I feel I am loving that person and it feels good. Is even metta 'just passing through'?
I just don't know, because I can't define what an emotion is! These are very interesting questions. I know that at least one researcher into emotions has argued that love isn't an emotion, but something deeper and wider. It may have been Paul Ekman. Unfortunately I can't remember.
I've often said that I think of metta as more of an attitude (a settled way of thinking and feeling) than an emotion. We can be sad and still have metta, or we can be angry and still have metta, so to me this suggests that metta is more of an "attitudinal cognitive background" across or above which other emotions pass.
Perhaps, in a way, metta is a kind of an ongoing insight into the fact that other beings desire happiness. If that's the case, then metta is more of type of perception, or a particular knowledge, which is then accompanied by emotions. Knowing deeply that other beings don't want to suffer and want to be happy becomes the "attitudinal cognitive background" upon which other experiences play out.
Metta is often accompanied by warmth and happiness, but as I've suggested above that's not inevitably the case. We don't have to be happy to be mettaful. We can still have metta for others (and ourselves) while we're feeling down, for example. And it's not to be confused with happiness. People can be happy but narcissistic.
Metta does insulate us against hatred, so it's not possible to experience hatred and metta simultaneously. We can't have the insight that another being wants to be happy and wish him ill at the same time.
But metta does come and go.You say that emotions arise and subside, and are just passing through. That's true. They arise in dependence upon conditions, and when those conditions cease, the emotions cease. But isn't that true for metta as well? You say that when you still your mind and body, metta arises. So stilling your mind and body are the conditions that allow metta to come into being. When your mind and body cease to be stilled, the metta ceases. So metta is just passing through as well. (This isn't to backtrack and to argue that metta is in fact as emotion -- all our experiences are just passing through).
Presumably when we have enough mindfulness and insight to keep the mind still at all times, then metta is there all the time.
Thanks for taking the time. That was a useful response and helpful to me.
I wanted to share an experience with you that I had last night.
It's spring and that means that my allergies are playing up again like they do every year. Around this time of year my body feels heavier and I find it harder to concentrate. Mentally I am more down because everything costs so much energy. Also I feel more scared somehow. Sometimes during the night I wake up scared and sweating not knowing what is causing my fear. I imagine it's a ghost, but I am not sure if they excist at all. Normally I always tried to ignore it and let it pass, but yesterday I diceded I wanted to face it. I started (in bed) wishing my fear goodluck. From that moment on my heart started beating like crazy. It went on for a long time. After about 15 minutes the fear subsided and I felt more peaceful. There was still a little bit left but no so much anymore. Do you think I have done the right thing?
hi bodhipaksa
I would like to know mantra for relationship to be united again esp for saparated lovers .please advise me
Hi Kavitha,
As far as I'm aware there are no "magical" means for reuniting separated lovers. The people have to want to be together, and have the means to be together, and take action to be together. Those are the things you should pay attention to.
Kavitha, all things change. Nothing last but a second in time. These kinds of attachments keep one from traveling the path.
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