The Metta Bhavana, or Development of Lovingkindness, practice is one of the most ancient forms of Buddhist practice, one that has been passed down in an unbroken line for over 2,500 years.
We’re often taught as children that we should love others. Religious teachings say, for example, that we should “love others as ourselves.” But how do we learn to love others? And what happens if we don’t particularly like, never mind love, ourselves? Lovingkindness meditation practice is the practical means by which we learn to cultivate love and kindness for ourselves and others.
The practice helps us to actively cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others, so that we become more patient, supportive, accepting, and compassionate.
It’s part of a series of four practices which lead to the arising of:
The metta bhavana is the foundation practice for this series of meditations.
The practice, leading as it does to the realization of compassion, is central to Buddhism, to the extent that the Dalai Lama has said “My religion is kindness.” While this statement may appear almost platitudinous, it’s actually indicative of something profound about spiritual practice.
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Much of our unhappiness comes from the desire to be happy at the expense of others. It’s really very ironic that in grasping after happiness in this way we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like sticking your hand into what you think is a cool stream in order to find relief on a hot day, only to discover that the water is boiling.
Buddhist theory teaches, and practice demonstrates, that happiness comes from empathizing with others and from seeing their well-being and their suffering as being important as our own.
It’s not that we set aside our own needs entirely and become martyrs in the popular sense of the word, but that we recognize that one of our needs is to help others meet their own needs. In meeting our need to help others meet their needs we find that we become happier: a layer of self-induced (and selfishness-induced) suffering starts to dissolve.
Realizing this and working it out in our lives through the practice of kindness is a major part of Buddhist practice. In fact we could say, as the Dalai Lama implies, that developing a sense of connectedness with others and overcoming selfishness is the essence of the spiritual path.
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That's lovely to hear. I'm pleased our site is helping people.
I've started meditating again after a long while, and have found (as i did the last time) an emotional flatness where i feel calm to the point of detachment - is this normal ? Would lovingkindness meditation help with this slightly disconcerting coldness ?
Hi Shaun,
It can be hard to know what someone means by "detachment." It can point to a healthy ability to stand back from one's experience in a calm way, or it can point to a less healthy inability to engage fully with life and with other people. Assuming you mean something like the latter, then lovingkindness meditation would certainly help, as would bringing elements of lovingkindness meditation into your mindfulness practice by remembering to appreciate your experience rather than just observing it.
Dear Sue
I just wanted to comment on what you said about learning that thinking and trying too hard make things worse. This is very true. I have had a lot of trouble with this myself recently and was helped a lot by listening to Eckhart Tolle's audio cd 'Living a life of inner peace' in which he says that 98% of our thoughts are repetitions of others and get us nowhere. He says very clearly that we need to dwell in the present moment, and out of that, 'right action comes'. Thinking gets us nowhere but just takes us round and round in circles !
Hi Bodhipaksa
Thank you so much for your wonderful website which has "enlightened " me a great deal. But nevertheless I do struggle with with finding metta towards people that I experience difficulty with. In this section of the Metta Bhavana I often work with my current negative feelings towards local youths who are currently terrorising the local community. For a few fleeting seconds I may make an assumption that in some way they are suffering (hence the anti-social behaviour-perhaps based on envy). Then it comes into mind that Buddhism teaches us that we all have free-will and that therefore these kids make a choice to behave as they do and could therefore choose not to behave as they do. So why bother finding empathy or sympathy for those with free will?
I would be most grateful if you could clarify for me. I sense that there is a way to find legitimacy in the fourth stage but I just need some guidance to find it.
Thank you.
Hi, Keith.
As far as I'm aware, there is no term for "free will" in Buddhism. Certainly Buddhist teachings recognize that we are able to make choices, but our ability to make choices is not "free," but is subject to conditions. I can't just decide, for example, that since I have free will I will choose to be perfectly happy for the rest of my life, or that I will never be angry again, or even that I will stop being in a bad mood once such a mood has arisen.
My ability to make choices is constrained in many ways, because of the conditioned nature of the mind. I don't dispute that in theory the young people who are disrupting your community have the ability to change, but in practice it can be far more difficult. What values have they been taught by their parents and wider society? Have they been taught the value of empathy from an early age? Have they been expected, from an early age, to be polite and considerate? And if these things haven't happened, how easy is it for them even to consider changing? Add in the fears around peer pressure (if you don't do what your friends are doing you may be ostracized) and it may be very hard indeed for them to change.
I'm not saying this to excuse them. But it's worth considering that if we had had their genes (those make a difference), their conditioning, their early experiences, and their social pressures, we might well have ended up acting in the same ways.
In terms of their suffering, I don't think it's hard to imagine how unrestrained behavior leads to pain. Some of these people may be fortunate and mature out of their atrocious behavior before they attract the attention of the law, but some of them may well end up in prison. People in prisons (despite what you may read in certain tabloids) are not generally very happy. I've taught in prisons for years, and they're full of conflicted, confused, and frightened people.
Ultimately, when you're wishing a person like this well, you're wishing that they become more fully human, that they learn to take responsibility for themselves and learn to empathize with others. That's what it takes to be well, to be happy, and to be free from suffering. Punitive rage, wich is what often arises when faced with this situation, doesn't generally help anyone.
Anyway, I'll leave if there since I find myself on the verge of a commentary on penal policy. I hope this helps in some way. I sympathize with the anxiety and anger your community is experiencing.
Hi Bodhipaksa,
Thank you for kindly clarifying what should be a good attitude to adopt in the fourth stage of the Metta Bhavana. Everything you say makes sense and I will now hopefully approach the practice more effectively.
Best wishes, Keith
Hello
for as long as I can remember I have had problems with writing getting things out of my head on to paper. At school I was in the loest grade classes unable to partisipate. It was as if I was not there, I was unable to engage. My parents had their own problems and gave up on me unable to talk to any one for years I lived in my head. I still have this problem of not being able to formulate my words and get them on to paper. I realise that when it comes to wrtting every thing in my mind seems to shut down and I feel fearful. I have looked at this and I am probably fearful of not being able to get it right. I meditate and use minfulness in my day to day life and this has helped me a lot but I am still unable to put my thoughts on paper in a meaninful way they come out randomly and I have to spend hours trying to organise them to make sence. I have looked at affect regulation and realise I probably have problems with regulating my fight flight mode. any sugestions.
Hi, Elaine.
There are books that teach you how to write without engaging your "inner critic." On is "Wild Mind" by Natalie Goldberg. She explains how there are two components to writing -- creation and editing -- and how if you allow your inner editor to comment on what you're writing the creative part of you never gets going. She employs the practice of timed writing where you cannot go back and edit and you have to keep writing whatever is in your head. This technique disengages the inner critic and gives your creative side an opportunity to express itself.
Hi all -
Somebody I immensely love, treasure and cherish, who also cherished me in countless ways and was my best friend, confidante and soulmate now detests me. The only point of difference between us is that my love for them was romantic in nature in addition to everything else, and their's was not they said - but for a long time we knew this both of us. But following a huge breakdown on their part one day they absolutely detest me. They have cordoned me out of their lives. They treasured and cherished me very much and did a huge amount for me.
i am stumbling, fragile, helpless and lost. The loss of such a great presence in my life can be handled - but the sheer awareness that I am so toxic to them is debilitating me. I feel such guilt that my presence in their lives caused them such pressure.
Is there anything I can do to transform the situation, even if just for myself?
Thanks.