lovingkindness practice

Learning to love the flaws

November 17, 2011

As I wrote in my most recent book, Living as a River:

Relating to someone as a “self”—on the basis of how we see them right now—is like seeing a video reduced to a single frame, or seeing a ball hurtling through the air in a freeze-frame photograph. It’s life-denying. It’s a static way of seeing things. In taking a snapshot of a thing we lose its sense of trajectory, the sense that it’s headed somewhere. We’re disconnected from the reality of change and process. But imagine if we could consistently see a person not as a thing but as a process—if we could, at least in our imagination—see that person evolving towards wisdom and compassion. How might that change both them and us? That’s the challenge for us all.

I’d like to suggest an experiment to you, and I’d be delighted if you’d write a few words below about your experience of trying this. The experiment will only take two or three minutes of your time.

I’d like you to call to mind someone you have a conflict with. Perhaps they have an annoying habit, or have done something to hurt you. Imagine that this person is in front of you.
Call to mind the thing that bothers you about this person. Feel the annoyance that’s connected with that thing.
Now, imagine, to the left of the person you’re thinking of, a much younger version of them. Perhaps at about 10 months old, when they were a baby, able to sit up, perhaps, but not yet able to walk or talk. And realize that these are both the same person.
Then, on the right side of the person you’re calling to mind, see a much older version of them — perhaps in their nineties. Really old. And realize that all three forms are the same person.
Now, call to mind that same thing that annoyed you about this person.

So, what happened for you?

I’ve recently been asking people to try this, and almost everyone has said that they experience sadness. They move from irritation or resentment, to sadness. Very quickly. Often people mention a sense of love or compassion as well, mingled with the sadness.

I think this is a very positive thing. It’s much healthier and less destructive, on the whole, to experience sadness than it is to experience hatred.

Why might we feel sad?

For me, it’s a number of things. I feel sad that I’ve taken one thing about a person’s life that I don’t like, and related to them on the basis of that, ignoring the rest of their being. I feel sad because life is too short to waste on petty ill will. And perhaps I’m a little sad at reminding myself of the brevity of life, and the inevitability of death.

But there’s a sense of sadness, too, that’s almost esthetic. Seen as just one part of an entire life, this irritating flaw makes the whole more beautiful, like the craquelure on an old painting, the creases on an old, faded photograph, or the peeling paint and sagging timbers of an old New England barn.

The sadness is, for me at least, mingled with love and compassion. It’s freeing myself from the prison of the moment, and seeing the person not as a static thing, but as an ever-changing continuum that allows that to happen. When a person is seen as a fixed point in time and space, there is much to dislike. When a person is seen as an ever-evolving process, there is much to love.

Seven ways to ease your anxiety, without pills

November 12, 2011

Bodhipaksa

on practice

Someone recently wrote to me asking about how to deal with anxiety. He didn’t say specifically what his anxiety was about, so I offered some general advice, which I repeat here in a slightly modified and expanded form in case it benefits others.

1. Cultivate lovingkindness

I’ve found that doing lovingkindness practice as I go about my daily affairs has a big effect on my anxiety levels. I find it’s impossible to be cultivating lovingkindness toward people and simultaneously be worrying about what they might think of me. I’m talking here not of sitting practice (which helps too) but of cultivating lovingkindness as I walk around, drive, etc. There simply isn’t the mental bandwidth available to keep up both activities (loving and worrying), and in any event the two kinds of emotions are so different from each other that it’s hard for them to coexist. I find that the anxiety disappears quite quickly, but that may not be true for everyone. But that doesn’t matter — just keep wishing yourself and others well, and your anxiety will lessen.

2. Reassure your inner child

Anxiety finds something to be anxious about. Once you start working with your anxiety in order to lessen it, your anxiety will turn to the process itself. You’ll start worrying that your anxiety isn’t budging, or won’t go away, that you’re going to be stuck with it for life, etc. This is a primitive part of your brain speaking — your amygdala. It evolved to scan for danger, and sometimes it gets out of control. It’s screaming at your neocortex — the more rational part of your brain — and hijacking its functions. What you need to do is to turn the dynamic around so that it’s the rational neocortex that’s setting the agenda for the amygdala. And you do this by exercising your rationality, reminding yourself that change takes time, and that it isn’t always possible to see change happening in real time. Can you see a seed grow into a plant in real time? Of course not. You have to observe the change taking place over a long period of time. It’s the same with your emotional habits. Perhaps after 40 minutes of meditation there will be some perceptible change. Perhaps not. Perhaps it may take days or weeks. Engage the neocortex and remind yourself — remind the amygdala — that it’s OK, that change takes time. Over time, your neocortex gets better at reassuring the amygdala, so that you experience less anxiety. You’ll actually develop new pathways in your brain.

Here are some other suggestions:

3. Breathe into the belly

Make sure that you breathe fully into the belly. It centers our experience and slows the mind. Keep your awareness in the hara, a point just below the navel and just inside the body, throughout the day. This is your physical and emotional center of gravity. Keeping your awareness there helps you stay in balance.

4. Sit up!

Watch your posture. Relax the body, and make sure that your body is in the posture it would have if you felt confident. You remember what it feels like in the body when you’re confident? Let your body find its way into that relaxed, upright, open posture. You’ll feel different.

5. Acknowledge your suffering

Self-compassion is a vital practice: notice that you’re suffering when you’re in a state of anxiety. Locate the source of suffering in the body as specifically as you can. Send it thoughts of lovingkindness: “May you be well, may you be happy, etc.”

6. Count your blessings

As a meditation practice, these days, I become aware that I am in a building, safe and protected from the elements, and I say (inwardly) to the building, “Thank you.” I notice that I have plumbing, and electricity, and internet access around me, and I say (inwardly) to all these things, “Thank you.” I notice that my body is whole, and basically functioning, and even if there is illness present I know my body has the resources to heal itself, and I say to my body, “Thank you.” I notice that my senses are intact, and I say “Thank you.” It’s important to actually make the sound of the words in your head. There’s something about articulating gratitude in the form of words that makes the emotion of thankfulness more real. By focusing on what’s right in our lives, we take our awareness away from the things that we image to be wrong, or that we imagine could go wrong.

7. Head it off at the pass

But there are many forms of anxiety, and sometimes they’re very specific and can be addressed with very specific antidotes, so it would help if you could identify your core anxiety. What is it that you most commonly fear? What’s your worst-case scenario? I used to suffer anxiety when giving talks. My fear was that people were bored with what I was saying. My worst-case scenario — nightmare scenario, really — was that people would start chatting amongst themselves, or would get up and walk out! It was very useful to connect with what my nightmare scenario was, because it allowed me to find ways to avoid that fear arising. Since I was worried that my audience might be bored, all I had to do was to check that they were engaged. I’d ask them a question, right at the start of the class. And their responses would reassure me they had an interest in the topic. The talk would include further questions that would show me their engagement. (Incidentally, this made the talk more interesting, because people like to have an opportunity to interact).

I also used to suffer anxiety because of being overwhelmed with work. My fear was that I would forget some task that was vitally important. I found that planning tools helped me avoid that fear arising.

So I’d suggest facing your nightmare. Ask yourself what is it that you most fear. Then find creative ways to find reassurance.

Meditation – how many forms should we practice?

October 29, 2011

Saddhamala

on practice

There are many different types of meditation practices. Most familiar, perhaps, are mantra meditation, Mindfulness of Breathing, Metta Bhavana (Development of Loving Kindness), and the candle meditation. Recently I was asked by a student if I thought she should add a third meditation practice to the two forms of meditation she already practices. I responded to her question with a list of questions to consider before she made her decision. I hope these questions will be helpful to you as well, if you are considering adding other practices to your meditation repertoire.

Regarding adding another form of meditation to your meditation practice – there are differing ideas about doing that. In my own meditation process (from 1993 – 2000), it was recommended that I practice the metta bhavana and the mindfulness of breathing (which some believe can take us all the way to Enlightenment). When I was ordained, in September 2000, I was introduced to two more forms of meditation – the Six Element Practice and an Amitabha Buddha visualization practice. Those practices were taught during a seven week retreat and I had an opportunity to practice both forms in a context where I received instruction and support.

It’s probably a good idea to consider the intention underlying one’s desire to take on another meditation practice. Here are some questions to consider:

1. Am I bored/tired with my practice as it is? If so, why?

2. Which meditation practice do I practice most? If I just practice the Mindfulness of Breathing as a way to become more focused and mindful, should I practice the Metta Bhavana for a while so that I am developing loving kindness for myself and others? Is there a reason I practice one practice more than another? Am I having difficulty concentrating or feeling positive emotion for myself and or others? If there is resistance to one practice, understanding the resistance can be valuable.

3. What do I want to accomplish by taking on another meditation practice?

4. Do I know enough about the practice to do it without the support of a teacher and practice group?

After reading this list of questions, another student responded:

“Thank you for the list of questions to consider when thinking about trying another meditation practice. Your first question struck home with me in that sometimes after I have been doing a particular meditation for awhile I have more difficulty staying focused. It just struck me that maybe instead of switching to another method, I need to just sit with the restlessness of my mind and see what happens. Not being able to stay still emerges once again.”

It’s a good idea to be aware of your meditation practice, and to take stock, now and again, to see if changes (additions or deletions) might be helpful.

How to have compassion

October 10, 2011

Rick Hanson PhD

on practice

Compassion is essentially the wish that beings not suffer – from subtle physical and emotional discomfort to agony and anguish – combined with feelings of sympathetic concern.

You could have compassion for an individual (a friend in the hospital, a co-worker passed over for a promotion), groups of people (victims of crime, those displaced by a hurricane, refugee children), animals (your pet, livestock heading for the slaughterhouse), and yourself.

Compassion is not pity, agreement, or a waiving of your rights. You can have compassion for people who’ve wronged you while also insisting that they treat you better.

Compassion by itself opens your heart and nourishes people you care about. Those who receive your compassion are more likely to be patient, forgiving, and compassionate with you. Compassion reflects the wisdom that everything is related to everything else, and it naturally draws you into feeling more connected with all things.

Additionally, compassion can incline you to helpful action. For example, one study showed that motor circuits in the brain lit up when people were feeling compassionate, as if they were getting ready to do something about the suffering they were sensing.

How do we cultivate compassion?

Compassion is natural; you don’t have to force it; just open to the difficulty, the struggle, the stress, the impact of events, the sorrow and strain in the other person; open your heart, let yourself be moved, and let compassion flow through you.

Feel what compassion’s like in your body – in your chest, throat, and face. Sense the way it softens your thoughts, gentles your reactions. Know it so you can find your way back again.

Moments of compassion come in the flow of life – maybe a friend tells you about a loss, or you can see the hurt behind someone’s angry face, or a hungry child looks out at you from the pages of a newspaper.

Also, you can deliberately call in compassion a minute (or more), perhaps each day; here are a few suggestions:

Relax and tune into your body.
Remember the feeling of being with someone who cares about you.
Bring to mind someone it is easy to feel compassion for.
Perhaps put your compassion into words, softly heard in the back of your mind, such as: “May you not suffer . . . may this hard time pass . . . may things be alright for you.”
Expand your circle of compassion to include others; consider a benefactor (someone who has been kind to you), friend, neutral person, difficult person (a challenge, certainly), and yourself (sometimes the hardest person of all).
Going further, extend compassion to all the beings in your family . . . neighborhood . . . city . . . state . . . country . . . world. All beings, known or unknown, liked or disliked. Humans, animals, plants, even microbes. Beings great or small, in the air, on the ground, under water. Including all, omitting none.

Going through your day, open to compassion from time to time for people you don’t know: someone in a deli, a stranger on a bus, crowds moving down the sidewalk.

Let compassion settle into the background of your mind and body. As what you come from, woven into your gaze, words, and actions.

Omitting none.

‘Self-compassion’ can help divorced people heal

October 3, 2011

Wildmind Meditation News

news

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Robert Preidt: Self-compassion can help the newly divorced get through one of the most difficult periods of their lives, researchers suggest.

They explained that self-compassion — a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass — “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce.”
University of Arizona researchers studied 38 men and 67 women with an average age of 40 who had been married for more than 13 years and were divorced an average of three to four months. Those who had higher levels of kindness to themselves were able to recover faster from the emotional effects…

Click to read more »

When metta doesn’t mean “love”

September 22, 2011

Sunada Takagi

on practice

I remember feeling very frustrated – and frankly a little baffled – when I was first learning the metta bhavana practice. Especially around the fourth stage, the difficult person. How was I supposed to feel warmth and affection for somebody I admitted not getting along with?

It was a tall order, and the whole idea left me feeling inadequate. I often sat there wondering what the heck metta was supposed to feel like, because I just didn’t get it. I figured there must be something wrong with me. I’m wondering if you’ve ever found yourself in a similar place.

Well, there’s nothing wrong with me or you. One of the problems stems from the typical translation of “metta” as “lovingkindness.” While that’s not incorrect, it’s a little misleading, especially in the case of the difficult person. I think many of us have such strong images of what “love” means that it limits our perspective.

I recently came across a story that beautifully illustrates what metta for a difficult person REALLY is. A Thai monk by the name of Ajaan Fuang tells of his encounter with a snake while on retreat. It had come into his room and taken up residence behind one of the cabinets. So the two of them lived together uneasily for a few days, avoiding each other as best they could. The snake didn’t seem to want to leave, even though Fuang left the front door wide open.

Finally on the third day, Fuang quietly addressed the snake in meditation. He said, “Look, it’s not that I don’t like you. I don’t have any bad feelings for you. But our minds work in different ways. It’d be very easy for there to be a misunderstanding between us. Now, there are lots of places out in the woods where you can live without the uneasiness of living with me.”

And as he said those words, the snake quietly slipped out the door and left.

A thousand thoughts of love

September 2, 2011

Bodhipaksa

on practice

Juko, also known as Tina Jay, and manifesting on the microblogging service Twitter as @BuddhistGirl, has been tweeting with relentless positivity for many months.

While others discuss the weather, the latest TV gossip, politics, the weather, or what they had for lunch, @BuddhistGirl steadfastly tweets thoughts of lovingkindness.

For a few months she vanished, and I missed her. Then, like the blessing of the sun reappearing from behind a cloud after a long storm, she came back.

I’ve collected some of BuddhistGirl’s tweets here, and offer them as a beautiful collection of thoughts inspiring lovingkindness.

Despite the title of this post, I haven’t reproduced 1000 of Juko’s tweets. In fact she hasn’t written that number herself. But she’s on the way, and I wish her well.

@Buddhistgirl invites us to think of someone we have difficulty with & send them kind thoughts – may this seed blossom into peace & ease.
May this moment find you nourished & satisfied in all aspects of your life, may you feel peaceful, happy, liberated & safe.
Are you being kind to yourself?
@Buddhistgirl Invites us to touch the peace & calm that is always one breath away; may this next moment bring you blessings, love, health & ease.
Can we find a dose of kindness for a difficult person today? May this action plant a seed that blossoms into ease, grace, and joy.
May this moment find you happy, may it find you calm & centered, may you feel safe & loved enough to be kind in an unexpected way.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to send lovingkindness to the next person we see: may this precious being know joy, health, and freedom from suffering.
Breathing in, wishing calm, ease, and grace to all who are bracing for the storm.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to send love to the part of ourselves we most dislike. What a gift for our beautiful Buddha natures, to love this way.
Are you being kind to yourself? Makes it much easier to be kinder to others.
How about an act of kindness to someone in your vicinity? A smile for a stranger, a kiss for your beloved, a deep breath for yourself?
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be free from suffering. May you move through life with grace and ease.
Breathing in, I think of all who are struggling in this moment. May we move through our challenges with grace and ease.
Wishing safety, peace, ease & equanimity to all sentient beings : If we are calm, our hearts can not be moved by any storm.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to consider that we are OK, just as we are. Nothing to change or take away, only Buddha nature, wrapped up in humanity.
@Buddhistgirl Is wondering if we can breathe and be kind – not only for the person who receives our kindness, but for our own budding Buddha natures.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to be patient with ourselves in this moment; may you be kind, loving, & easy on yourself.
In this moment, I pause and breathe – a powerful antidote to minor irritation. Join me.
Wishing safety, peace, ease & equanimity to all sentient beings : If we are calm, our loving kind hearts can not be moved by any storm.
@Buddhistgirl is now wishing you are safe, happy, healthy, and able to connect to the peace of this moment (even if it is buried in chaos).
@Buddhistgirl invites us to pause, breathe, and proceed with more kindness toward ourselves; it is my prayer this act of love reveals your Buddha nature.
@Buddhistgirl is wishing anyone who reads this courage, patience, deep joy & calm – can we pass this sincere wish on by breathing & being kind?
@Buddhistgirl invites us to adjust our internal dialogue: May we be honest with ourselves without being harsh, unkind, impatient, or judgmental.
May you be happy and healthy; may you move through these next moments with ease.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to adjust our internal dialogue: May we be honest with ourselves without being harsh, unkind,impatient, or judgmental.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to send lovingkindness to the next person we see: May they be happy, know peace, find freedom, & move through life with ease.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may this moment find you moving through life with grace & ease.
@Buddhistgirl is wishing anyone who reads this courage, patience, deep joy & calm – can we pass this sincere wish on by breathing & being kind?
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may this moment be full of joy; may you move through this day with grace & ease.
Can we send some lovingkindness to ourselves & someone we have hurt? May we each cultivate empathy & freedom from guilt & blame.
In this moment, I pause, breathe, and wish nothing but ease, comfort, safety, and joy for all beings; join me.
Practicing Tonglen for all sentient beings in Japan; join me. https://tinyurl.com/Tonglen
@Buddhistgirl invites us to engage in a small act of generosity – money, a smile, whatever we have to give – who could use what we have to offer?
@Buddhistgirl invites us to touch the peace & calm that is always one breath away; may this next moment bring you blessings, love, health & ease.
Grace, ease, safety, and joy…
…all available in this next breath.
May you be happy and healthy; may you move through these next moments with ease.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to breathe, reset, and invigorate our next actions with care and kindness.
Can we send some lovingkindness to ourselves, and then to someone we have hurt? May we each cultivate empathy & freedom from guilt & blame.
In this moment, I pause, breathe, and wish nothing but ease, comfort, safety, and joy for all beings; join me.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to be patient with ourselves in this moment; may you be kind, loving, peaceful, & easy on yourself (at least for this 1 breath!)
@Buddhistgirl invites you to perform a small act of kindness for someone you love: may you both know happiness, deep peace, compassion, and ease.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to send wishes of peace,calm, & ease to a difficult person. Breathe & consider we are all doing the best we can in each moment.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you feel safe & loved, may you move through life with ease.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to an act of kindness (small or large) to a being in our vicinity – potent water for our budding Buddha natures.
@Buddhistgirl reminds us it’s easier to be loving & kind to others when we are loving & kind to ourselves.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to send lovingkindness to the last person who hurt our feelings: may we move on to healing, peace, joy & restoration.
@Buddhistgirl invites us to be patient with ourselves in this moment; may you be kind, loving, & easy on yourself.
Everything is going to be okay.
Silly me, everything is already okay.
Wherever you are in the unfolding of your day, may you find the strength & resources to be genuinely kind to yourself…
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I inhabit the present moment fully & with deep compassion for myself & all beings.
Wherever you are in the unfolding of your day, may you find the strength & resources to be genuinely kind to yourself…
…may this act of self-compassion spill over to each being you encounter, may you respond to any challenges that arise with grace & ease.
Can we take a moment & be kind to ourselves? Can this act of love & patience spill over into our actions & attitudes toward others today?
How might you integrate kindness (especially for yourself) into your daily routine?
What actions, great or small, might demonstrate the value that compassion holds in your life this upcoming week?
Breathing in, may I choose to be kind to myself & others. Breathing out, may these seeds find fertile ground and blossom into joy.
Under the surface of our mundane tasks & interactions is an opportunity to move each other closer to the heart of our true selves: Joy, peace, kindness & enlightenment…
What a gift, to be able to take a breath & reset our perspective. What a privilege, to have the capacity to choose kindness & gratitude.
At this very moment, here sits another being wishing – sincerely- for your comfort, ease, safety & deep peace.
Are you being kind to yourself?
I arise & set a strong intention: To breathe when my harshest self emerges, to smile & conjure kindness for myself & those around me.
How about a warm smile for the next person you see? How about doing it with no attachment to whether it is returned?
Stopping, breathing & wishing peace, ease, grace & joy to everyone who reads these words.
Every being you encounter knows what it is like to be afraid, hurt, & unsure -Even your boss, and the difficult people in your life.
Each moment is full of choices – here is a wish that you find the resources to risk being kind in an unexpected way.
Can we take a breath & be curious about how a dose of genuine compassion might change the thing we are most worried about?
How about an act of kindness to the next person we see? An expression of gratitude, a sincere compliment, an authentic smile…
Each moment = a chance to open our hearts, loosen our attachment to being “right” & soften the muscles in our face into a smile.

Follow @BuddhistGirl on Twitter.

How to clear your mind of negative thoughts

May 8, 2011

Saddhamala

on practice

One of my friends is a lawyer in New York. He graduated from law school, passed the bar exam, got his license to practice, worked for a short time and then was laid off due to the failing economy.

I wanted to rescue him because I worried that like many lawyers in New York, he would be unemployed, would not be able to pay off his school loans and would not be able to maintain his apartment.

We worry, we obsess about the same things over and over again, we are anxious about things that never happen, we want more than we have, or something different from what we have, and we have expectations of ourselves and others that may never be met.

The mind is like a wild elephant that needs taming. If you have ever meditated and tried to quiet your mind, you will have experienced your thoughts as continuous and difficult to manage.

When we think negatively about ourselves and others, we do not experience the beauty and joy that can be found within ourselves and others.

A couple months after my friend was laid off, he met a colleague who offered him a job. All of my worrying was energy spent on something that never manifested.

Rather than worrying about my friend being unemployed, I could have thought positively about the situation. I could have thought about my friend’s strengths as a hard working, skilled lawyer.

I could have thought that the situation could actually end up to his benefit – he might find work he enjoys more than the work he was doing before he was laid off (which is what happened).

In meditation I practice working with my mind and I have experienced changing negative thoughts. First I become aware of my negative thoughts.

For example, I may notice that I am anticipating a negative outcome from working with a person with whom this has happened in the past, however, worrying about a situation in the future, when I do not know what the outcome will be, is wasted energy.

Rather than being concerned about working with the colleague, I could consider the positive qualities about the person and empathize with circumstances that might have made our interaction difficult for her.

She might have been experiencing personal or professional difficulties or have health issues or just see things differently.

When I think positively and with compassion, I am successful in clearing my mind of negative thoughts – it just takes awareness, mindfulness, understanding and compassion.

With no effort or practice whatsoever, Enlightenment is here

March 12, 2011

Saddhamala

on practice

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In all sects of Buddhism, meditation is a prevalent practice, but Buddhist teachers from different sects use different language to teach meditation.

There are meditations that focus on awareness and insight; meditations that focus on our breath, our body, our feelings, our minds and our mental qualities; and meditations for developing loving kindness within our minds and hearts.

It is easy, when learning a form of meditation, to just focus on the form and then judge whether or not we are doing it “right”.

There is freedom from this judging and striving in Dzogchen practice. Dilgo Khentse Rinpoche (1910-1991), one of the great luminaries of Tibetan Buddhism in the twentieth century, was a highly realized and accomplished master dedicated to the transmission and preservation of Tibet’s spiritual legacy and a principle teacher of His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

Here is a list of some of the teachings on meditation from Dilgo Khentse Rinpoche:

“In meditation we can see through the illusion of past, present and future – the past is only an unreliable memory held in the present. The future is only a projection of our present conceptions. The present itself vanishes as soon as we try to grasp it.
We should free ourselves from our memories and preconceptions of meditation. Each moment of meditation is unique and full of potential.
Simply meditating in the moment, with our whole being, free from hesitation, boredom or excitement is Enlightenment.
Everything is naturally perfect just as it is, we are naturally perfect as we are, a symbol of Enlightenment.
Everything and everyone is constantly changing, nothing is permanent. When we want things or people to remain the same, we suffer. When we want something different from what we have, we suffer.
With no effort or practice whatsoever, enlightenment is already here – it is not something or somewhere outside of ourselves. Striving for Enlightenment obstructs our free flow of energy.
The everyday practice of Dzogchen is just everyday life itself. Each moment is a moment that can be a moment of mindfulness, gratitude and meditation… there is no need to behave in any special way or attempt to attain anything above and beyond who we already are.
When meditating, we should feel it to be as natural as eating and breathing… we should realize that meditation transcends effort, practice, aims, goals and the duality of liberation and captivity. Our practice should be without effort, without strain, without attempts to control or force and without trying to become ‘peaceful’.
Therefore we should be natural and spontaneous, accepting and learning from everything.”

There is an expression in Dozgchen, emaho, which means each and every moment provides an opportunity to be kind, generous, honest, mindful, grateful and loving. Emaho!

“The Force of Kindness,” by Sharon Salzberg

November 30, 2010

Emily Breder

reviews

The Force of Kindness, by Sharon Salzberg

Available from: Sounds True, Amazon.co.uk, and Amazon.com

Sharon Salzberg has an excellent reputation for creating wonderful dharma books, but when I first saw the title, The Force of Kindness, I thought the subject matter was a little… soft. How much can be said about kindness?

Then, too, the book itself is diminutive in size — a standard Sounds True publication of less than a hundred pages, with a guided meditation CD included.

Title: The Force of Kindness
Author: Sharon Salzberg
Publisher: Sounds True
ISBN: 978-1-59179-920-7
Format: 96-page book, plus one-hour CD
Available from: Sounds True, Amazon.co.uk, and Amazon.com.

But that was exactly what Sharon addressed — the incorrect impression that kindness itself is a soft topic with minimal applications. Sure, you can be kind to a lot of people — but how much is there to say about it? In very short order, your entire thinking about kindness changes and you see it for the very powerful and courageous act that it is.
She begins with a walk through kindness as we grow to adulthood, and how we can be unkind to ourselves or not fully kind because it isn’t coming from a genuine place.

“When we are devoted to the development of kindness, it becomes our ready response, so that reacting from compassion, from caring, is not a question of giving ourselves a lecture: ‘I don’t really feel like it, but I’d better be helpful, or what would people think?'” –Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness, page 8

With further reflection, I discovered that she’s right; kindness is a force, every bit as powerful as any other act of inclusion that comes from a place of love and compassion. Unlike many so-called ‘positive’ emotions, kindness is itself the act of application — moving the intent of compassion into action, even (perhaps especially) for yourself.

As I read this book, which I estimated at first I could finish in an afternoon, I fell into the pattern of reading a page or two and then reflecting on it for a day or two. The information was especially relevant to me personally, as someone who is chronically unkind to herself, but in any walk of life there is something here that can be applied.
If anything, this should have been a full-length study book with structured exercises.

The book is a collection of stories to make the force of kindness more apparent, but since the topic itself was demonstrated so well as a way to move forward and into an inclusive way of being, I would like to have had more guidance about exactly how to be proactive with the information from the beginning, beyond the reflections at the end of each chapter. For the most part, the reflections called on one to think, stay open and pay attention to this or that — but not many ways to be kind in a more dynamic, active way.

All in all, it’s a wonderful place to start this study. I’m sure, with a longer book, Sharon would have fleshed out all of those points. As it is, this is an excellent primer for looking at yourself and others in a much more kind way, and for seeing kindness itself as a more powerful connective thread between us.

“It’s easy for us to feel separate from other people and from other forms of life, especially if we don’t have a reliable connection to our own inner world. Without insight into our internal cycles of pleasure and pain, desires and fears, there is a strong sense of being removed, apart or disconnected. When we do have an understanding of our inner lives, it provides an intuitive opening, even without words, to the ties that exist between ourselves and others.” – Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness, page 32

lovingkindness practice

1. Cultivate lovingkindness

2. Reassure your inner child

3. Breathe into the belly

4. Sit up!

5. Acknowledge your suffering

6. Count your blessings

7. Head it off at the pass

See also: